Page 475 of 475 FirstFirst ... 375425465466467468469470471472473474475
Results 4,741 to 4,749 of 4749

Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4741
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    3,309
    Rep Power
    150

    Re: Careful what you wish for

    A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next service station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the pump.

    "What can I do for ya’ll?" asks the attendant. "Fill ‘er up," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

    "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a latest Cadillac DeVille."

    "What all’s it got in it?" asks the attendant.

    "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

    "Wow," says the attendant, "that’s really something!"

    "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

    "That’ll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

    "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

    "That’s what I put my balls on when I drive," says the motorist.

    "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4742
    Geek Extraordinaire 2,500+ Posts KenB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Cleveland, Ohio
    Posts
    3,358
    Rep Power
    93

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Q: What do you call a cowboy’s clothes?

    A: Ranch Dressing.
    Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the fire hydrant.

  3. #4743
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Bakersfield, CA
    Posts
    13,255
    Rep Power
    337

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by KenB View Post
    Q: What do you call a cowboy’s clothes?

    A: Ranch Dressing.

    Groan.jpg

  4. #4744
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    3,309
    Rep Power
    150

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

    As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

    The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

    "I'll give you a lift."

    The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

    The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #4745
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Bakersfield, CA
    Posts
    13,255
    Rep Power
    337

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had.
    I said a service dog.
    Very rudely she yells what type of service?
    I said he is a BLD.
    What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face.
    With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean......
    The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.

  6. #4746
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Bakersfield, CA
    Posts
    13,255
    Rep Power
    337

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
    He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
    "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
    It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
    One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
    When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
    So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
    He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
    All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
    condolences on your loss."
    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
    "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
    “It hasn't affected my brothers though."

  7. #4747
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    3,309
    Rep Power
    150

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #4748
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Desert Rat's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    1,085
    Rep Power
    37

    Re: Joke of the Day

    TRUST

    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
    For example...

    A wife comes home late at night from work and quietly opens the door to her

    bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She

    reaches for a baseball bat and starts pounding at the blanket as hard as

    she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she

    enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.


    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom...


    Did you get a chance to say ‘hello’ yet?”



    Oops!

  9. #4749
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Desert Rat's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    1,085
    Rep Power
    37

    Re: Joke of the Day

    The New Priest

    The new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. So, before his second week, he asked his monseigneur

    how he could relax. The monseigneur told him to relax by putting a martinis in the water pitcher and after a few sips he would relax.

    The next week the young priest followed the instructions and really talked up a storm. After his sermon, he asked his superior how

    he had done. The monseigneur replied "fine, but there are a few things you had better keep in mind before you address the congregation again"

    1) Next time, sip the martinis, don't gulp them by the glass fuls.

    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4) David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.

    5) We don't refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C. and the boys.

    6) Next Sunday there is a taffy pull at St. Peter's, not a Peter pull at Taffy's.

    7) We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T".

    8) The Father, Son and Holy Ghost aren't referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

    9) And last, but not least, it is the Virgin Mary, not "Mary with the Cherry".

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Get the Android App
click or scan for the Copytechnet Mobile App

-= -= -= -= -=


IDrive Remote Backup

Lunarpages Internet Solutions

Advertise on Copytechnet

Your Link Here