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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4741
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Careful what you wish for

    A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next service station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the pump.

    "What can I do for ya’ll?" asks the attendant. "Fill ‘er up," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

    "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a latest Cadillac DeVille."

    "What all’s it got in it?" asks the attendant.

    "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

    "Wow," says the attendant, "that’s really something!"

    "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

    "That’ll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

    "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

    "That’s what I put my balls on when I drive," says the motorist.

    "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4742
    Geek Extraordinaire 2,500+ Posts KenB's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Q: What do you call a cowboy’s clothes?

    A: Ranch Dressing.
    Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the fire hydrant.

  3. #4743
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by KenB View Post
    Q: What do you call a cowboy’s clothes?

    A: Ranch Dressing.

    Groan.jpg

  4. #4744
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

    As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

    The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

    "I'll give you a lift."

    The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

    The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #4745
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had.
    I said a service dog.
    Very rudely she yells what type of service?
    I said he is a BLD.
    What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face.
    With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean......
    The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.

  6. #4746
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
    He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
    "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
    It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
    One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
    When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
    So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
    He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
    All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
    condolences on your loss."
    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
    "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
    “It hasn't affected my brothers though."

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