Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

[tsbservice]

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listedcompany.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows,with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN COMPANY
You have 2 cows
It's a nice day, you go to the pub.

A NEW ZEALAND COMPANY
You have 2 cows
One has the same beautiful eyes as your favorite ewe

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

[tsbservice]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response,
the doctor said,
"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran
home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?"
The man answered,
"Not that well. When I fired the pistol,
my wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor
came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[tsbservice]

The Pickle Slicer Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[tsbservice]

A woman had a female parrot which kept saying:
'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?'
She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said,
'Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.'
So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked,
'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?'
One male parrot looked at the other one and said,
'Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered.

[slimslob]

[KenB]

The 3 stages of a man’s sexual life:

1. Tri Weekly

2. Try Weekly

and...

3. Try Weakly

[slimslob]

[slimslob]

[izzynut]

Political correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America: Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as: 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as: APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a:
' BREASTED AMERICAN. '


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is:
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a:
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a:
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes:
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a:
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a:
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2.. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is"
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3... He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He:
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'


4.. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in:
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5.. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of:
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'


6.. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's:
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'