Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?​



In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:​



GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'​



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'​



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.​



Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.​



Both result in death.

[slimslob]

This is bad I know...but here we go again

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

It could have been worse. You could have said "Only to stop myself from going home too quickly."

[Copier Whisperer]

How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

[slimslob]

How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Groan.jpg

[tsbservice]

It could have been worse. You could have said "Only to stop myself from going home too quickly."

Sounds fair to me . Good catch slim.

[emujo2]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. “Divorce attorney."

[slimslob]

Millennial Wedding Proposal

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out.
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am
presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on
a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on
Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two
months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad,
I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly

DAD'S RESPONSE:
My Dearest Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango,
buy your kids on Amazon and pay for it all through PayPal. And when
you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay..

Love, Your Dad

[tsbservice]

I saw a biker with a bumper sticker saying : " I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".


Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

[tsbservice]

CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?










It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.










Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.










The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.










Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.




Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

[tsbservice]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance
to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one
line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold
the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose
deeply and then say the line,
'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'

The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising
his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great
passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the
director was steaming:
"You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"