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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4981
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    А farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far off and would just walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

    However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

    The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

    The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

    'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.. '

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, take down my knickers and have your way with me?'

    The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

    The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #4982
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?​



    In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:​



    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'​



    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'​



    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.​



    Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.​



    Both result in death.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #4983
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    This is bad I know...but here we go again

    The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
    Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
    It could have been worse. You could have said "Only to stop myself from going home too quickly."

  4. #4984
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?

    Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

  5. #4985
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Copier Whisperer View Post
    How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?

    Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
    Groan.jpg

  6. #4986
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    It could have been worse. You could have said "Only to stop myself from going home too quickly."
    Sounds fair to me . Good catch slim.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #4987
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
    realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

    The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "No," the woman replied. “Divorce attorney."

  8. #4988
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Millennial Wedding Proposal

    Dearest Dad,
    I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out.
    I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am
    presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on
    a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on
    Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two
    months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad,
    I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

    Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly

    DAD'S RESPONSE:
    My Dearest Lilly,
    Like Wow! Really? Cool!
    I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango,
    buy your kids on Amazon and pay for it all through PayPal. And when
    you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay..

    Love, Your Dad

  9. #4989
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I saw a biker with a bumper sticker saying : " I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".


    Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #4990
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?










    It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.










    Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.










    The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.










    Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

    Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.




    Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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