Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

BREAKING NEWS!
Oscar Telecast beaten in Ratings by Calexico TV test Pattern!

[bob marley]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. " Oh , I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25
cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and
then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[tsbservice]

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?"
Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says
"I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
"O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'BJ', and that's only two syllables."

[tsbservice]

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when all of a sudden a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.

To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns and says to her young kids "My that was a big insect!"

The two kids sat there for a moment before her 7-year-old son replied "Man, I'm surprised it could fly with wiener that big!"

[slimslob]

[Phil B.]

I know this is a JOKE...but these guys are putzes along with Fauxci

[slimslob]

[tsbservice]

I know this was published maybe even by me but it still a hell of fun

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[tsbservice]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said,
'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
'She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come...'

[slimslob]

I know this was published maybe even by me but it still a hell of fun

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

That may sound funny to the ignorant and uninformed but they can have tragic results. I watch a program on the Smithsonian Channel called Air Disasters. A recent one was about Nigeria Airways Flight 2120 that caught fire shortly after takeoff from Kuwait City in 1991 killing all 247 passengers and 14 crew members on board. Cause of the fire, mechanics decided that they did not have the time to replace worn tires on the landing gear. Nigeria Airways Flight 2120 - Wikipedia