Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5041
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

    Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left..

    The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

    When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

    "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

    "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."
    (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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    Re: Joke of the Day


  3. #5043
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    Re: Joke of the Day


    A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

    The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

    The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

    The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The Bishop fainted.
    He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

    This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    The Bishop was buried the next day.

  4. #5044
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

    Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

    > Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    > Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    > Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

    Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

    > Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    > Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    > Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    > Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    > Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    > Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...

    Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

    > Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    > Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

    > Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili #5 Lisas Legal Lip Remover

    > Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    > Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    > Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili #6 Pams Very Vegetarian Variety

    > Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    > Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    > Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    Chili #7 Carlas Screaming Sensation Chili

    > Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    > Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    > Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing; its too painful. Screw it; Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 Karens Toenail Curling Chili

    > Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    > Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how hed have reacted to REALLY hot chili.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #5045
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Women's Friends:

    A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

    Men's Friends:

    A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #5046
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

    Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

    > Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    > Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    > Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

    Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

    > Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    > Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    > Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    > Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    > Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    > Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...

    Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

    > Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    > Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

    > Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili #5 Lisas Legal Lip Remover

    > Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    > Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    > Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili #6 Pams Very Vegetarian Variety

    > Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    > Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    > Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    Chili #7 Carlas Screaming Sensation Chili

    > Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    > Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    > Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing; its too painful. Screw it; Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 Karens Toenail Curling Chili

    > Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    > Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how hed have reacted to REALLY hot chili.
    When I was in Iraq in 2005 someone had sent me a joke video about salsa. It was to tune of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. It started "Salsa is a burning thing and it makes for a fiery ring"

  7. #5047
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post

    plus you can stand 30 feet away and still punch a perfect hole in it.... or anybody

  8. #5048
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    When I was in Iraq in 2005 someone had sent me a joke video about salsa. It was to tune of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. It started "Salsa is a burning thing and it makes for a fiery ring"
    Slim this in fact is one of my favourite Cash's songs
    Cheers Sir!

    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #5049
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Back on track ...

    My missus bought a paperback
    In Asda*, Saturday. *(UK arm of Walmart)
    I had a look inside the bag -
    'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

    Well I just left her to it, see,
    And went off up to bed.
    An hour later, she appeared
    The sight filled me with dread.

    In one hand she held a rope,
    The other, held a whip.
    She brandished them around a bit
    And then began to strip.

    Well, forty years, or so, ago
    I might have had a peek.
    But Doris hasn't weathered well -
    She's sixty-eight next week.

    Watching Doris bump and grind
    Couldn't be much grimmer.
    And things progressed from bad to worse -
    She toppled off her Zimmer.

    She struggled back up to her feet
    A good half hour later,
    Put her teeth back in and said
    That I must dominate her.

    Now if you knew our Doris, see,
    You'd know just why I cringed.
    I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
    My hips and knees unhinged.

    She stood there nude. All naked, like,
    Bent forward quite a bit
    I went to hold her sensual like, and
    Stood on her left tit.

    Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
    My word. What HAD I done ?
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out
    "Step on the OTHER one"

    Well reader, I can tell no more
    'bout what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
    Turned fifty shades of grey.

    Black and blue, battered too,
    With wanton, wild perversion,
    We decided that a night of sin
    Was scarce worth such exertion.

    Thank Heavens she has binned the book
    And peace reigns, like before.
    She's head to toe in flannellette
    And back to back, we snore.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #5050
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    Slim this in fact is one of my favourite Cash's songs
    Cheers Sir!

    Ring of Fire was one of my favorites

    Zappa did a good remake of it

    Frank Zappa - Ring of fire - YouTube

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