Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5131
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

    Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

    Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

    They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

    Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

    "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

    "I would like it infrequently," she replied.

    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #5132
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    One day, early in the history of the Earth, God decides he wants Adam and Eve to populate the Earth. To get them warming up he tells Adam to kiss Eve. Adam asks "What is a kiss?", which God then explains. Adam leads Eve behind a bush, and after a few minutes Adam reappears and says "Thank you Lord, that was most enjoyable".

    Then God tells Adam to caress Eve. Adam asks "What is a caress?", which God also explains. They go behind the bush again, and after ten minutes or so Adam comes back out, saying "Thank you Lord, that was even more enjoyable".

    Finally God tells Adam to make love to Eve. Adam asks the inevitable question, and God explains. Adam goes behind the bush, but re-appears after a few seconds, asking "Lord, what is a headache?".
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #5133
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

    They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

    He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

    "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

    Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

    He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

    God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #5134
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Maria was a good Italian girl a virgin on her wedding night.

    Her mother said 'Donít worry Tony is a good man he'll look after youí.

    They went upstairs.

    Maria came running down 'mama he has a hairy chest'.

    Mama says 'donít worry; all good men have hairy chests'.

    Maria goes back.

    Tony takes his pants off exposing his hairy legs.

    Maria runs downstairs. 'Donít worry' says mama 'all good men have hairy legs'...Maria goes back.

    Tony takes his socks off on his left foot he was missing 3 toes.

    Maria rushes downstairs. 'Mama mama- Tony's got a foot and a half'






    'Maria Stay here and stir the pasta this is a job for mama!'
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #5135
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    ďOh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"







    He responded,
    "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #5136
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #5137
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    The bicycle is the slow death of the planet.

    General Director of Euro Exim Bank Ltd. got economists thinking when he said:
    "A cyclist is a disaster for the country's economy: he does not buy cars and does not borrow money to buy. He does not pay for insurance policies. He does not buy fuel, does not pay for the necessary maintenance and repairs. He does not use paid parking. He does not cause serious accidents. He does not require multi-lane highways. He does not get fat.

    Healthy people are neither needed nor useful for the economy. They don't buy medicine. They do not go to hospitals or doctors. Nothing is added to the country's GDP (gross domestic product).

    On the contrary, every new McDonald's restaurant creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 dietary experts and nutritionists, and obviously, people who work at the restaurant itself."
    Choose carefully: cyclist or McDonald's? It is worth considering.

    P.S. Walking is even worse. Pedestrians don't even buy bicycles.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #5138
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Bakersfield, CA
    Posts
    15,317
    Rep Power
    425

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    The bicycle is the slow death of the planet.

    General Director of Euro Exim Bank Ltd. got economists thinking when he said:
    "A cyclist is a disaster for the country's economy: he does not buy cars and does not borrow money to buy. He does not pay for insurance policies. He does not buy fuel, does not pay for the necessary maintenance and repairs. He does not use paid parking. He does not cause serious accidents. He does not require multi-lane highways. He does not get fat.

    Healthy people are neither needed nor useful for the economy. They don't buy medicine. They do not go to hospitals or doctors. Nothing is added to the country's GDP (gross domestic product).

    On the contrary, every new McDonald's restaurant creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 dietary experts and nutritionists, and obviously, people who work at the restaurant itself."
    Choose carefully: cyclist or McDonald's? It is worth considering.

    P.S. Walking is even worse. Pedestrians don't even buy bicycles.
    I don't know about where you live but here in Bakersfield both bicycle riders and pedestrians tend to lose when they interact with a moving vehicle. And by lose I mean their life.

  9. #5139
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    I don't know about where you live but here in Bakersfield both bicycle riders and pedestrians tend to lose when they interact with a moving vehicle. And by lose I mean their life.
    Offtopic:
    That's sad. I pay lot of attention when drive and even more when walking. Idiots are everywhere!
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #5140
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    4,203
    Rep Power
    190

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A parish priest was concerned about their elderly female organist that didnít show up to play for the Sunday morning service. As soon as the service was over and the last of the parishioners had left he went to her house to see if she was alright.

    When she answered the door she told the priest that she had forgotten to change the time on her clock and had missed the service by an hour. Just as she was leaving to make the short walk to the church to play for the service she observed people coming from the church and realised what had happened. He was relieved as there had been some sickness going around among his parishioners.

    The priest took her up on her offer to have some tea and talk with her since his week was over and sit in the parlour. As he waited for her to boil the water and stew the tea he noticed a glass bowl of water on the organ she practised on at home. In this bowl was a condom.

    Perplexed about this discovery he began to wonder if her reason for missing the Sunday mass was correct.

    During their sharing tea and small talk he kept glancing over at the glass bowl with the condom floating in the water. He wanted to ask, but didnít know if he could overcome his or her embarrassment it could cause.

    Finally the elderly woman noticed his continual glances toward the glass bowl sitting on the organ.

    She then pronounced that she hadnít had a cold all winter and it was due to her discovery of a packet she had found in the church parking lot.

    This packet had clearly printed on it ďPlace on organ, keep moist to avoid disease.Ē

    She was going to inquire at the pharmacy where she might get some more of these so that she might share them with the rest of the parishioners at the church.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Get the Android App
click or scan for the Copytechnet Mobile App

-= -= -= -= -=


IDrive Remote Backup

Lunarpages Internet Solutions

Advertise on Copytechnet

Your Link Here