Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5161
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Many people do not understand how they ran out of oil there in the United States.

    The answer's quite simple - nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know they were falling short.

    And most importantly, there is a geographical explanation to it. While all the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Colorado and Alaska, all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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  2. #5162
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A teacher was talking about science to her 3rd grade students.
    'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she said.
    A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' she volunteered.
    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
    'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty. The Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard.
    'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
    'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back real High and went 'Fffff! Fffff! Fffff!... And before he could say 'F***!' the Rottweiler ate him.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  3. #5163
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to find his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the immigration officer asked sarcastically.

    "Yes I have" replied the elderly gentleman.

    "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready".

    The British gentleman says "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".

    "Impossible. British always have to show their passports on arrival in France".

    The elderly gentleman gives the officer a long hard look then says "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find a single ****ing Frenchman to show it to".
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  4. #5164
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day


  5. #5165
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  6. #5166
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Big Boots




    This woman went through a bad break up. She grieved over her lost relationship, but eventually got better and decided it was time to have some fun again. She went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
    Seeing the beautiful woman, the cowboy offered her a drink and they started talking. After a while, the woman built up some confidence and asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
    The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is. Why don’t you come home with me and let me prove it to you?”
    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
    The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
    Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”
    “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
    Last edited by izzynut; 07-06-2021 at 01:03 PM.

  7. #5167
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.


    Over a double latte, the Greek mentions


    "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the


    Temple of Apollo."





    "Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."





    "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."





    "Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."





    Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:


    "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"





    "Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."

  8. #5168
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Investor Advice
    For my investor friends - A Wonderful Rags to Riches Story
    Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.
    He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
    One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
    The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
    The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
    "What’s your name? " asked the executive.
    “John H. Smith,” was the reply.
    The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?"
    "Certainly" answers the Customer Service Manager, " he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
    The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."
    At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.
    "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life and I am sure we can learn from him."
    Mr. Smith began his story.
    "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny and the first thing I did was change my name to Smith.
    I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.
    I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.
    I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.
    I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.
    A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
    Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."

  9. #5169
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Liam O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.


    A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.


    When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.


    The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."


    And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"
    The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."



    "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"


    That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down - 'I don't know.'


    You put down - 'Neither do I.'


  10. #5170
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Scotsman and his wife walk past swanky restaurant
    “Did you smell that?” she asked her husband. “It smells absolutely incredible!”
    Being a “kind-hearted Scot,” he thought “what the hell…I’ll treat her!”

    So, they walked past the place again!

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