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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5181
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

    "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

    The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the
    ass off his secretary."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #5182
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.

    The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor.

    "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill, but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."

    "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do yoiu have a maid?"

    "Yes."

    "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"

    "But I don't need Viagra with the maid!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #5183
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone elseÖ

    One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "Iíll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.

    Johnny said, "Iíll be fast. Iíll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and Iíll be finished by the time you pick it up."

    She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriendÖ So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he wonít even be able to get his pants down."

    So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

    She responded, "The ******* used coins!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #5184
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Fred knocks on his pal Harrys door. Harry comes out bad tempered, muttering
    "That woman, that bloody woman, im gonna kill her, i'm gonna get a gun and kill her."
    Fred says "Don't do that you'll get life imprisonment, I'll tell you what to do. Shag her to death, morning noon and night. It only takes two weeks and the police can never prove a thing."
    Harry says "That's what i'll do."

    A week later, Fred thinks i'd better go up and see how he's getting on. Harry comes to the door all bent and haggard a shawl over his shoulders, his wife's in the kitchen singing and whistleing like a canary. Fred says, "Is everything ok, all going to plan?"
    Harry says "Yeah I think so, Huh, listen to her, happy as Larry, only got a week to live and dosen't even know it."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #5185
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

  6. #5186
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore, they have weekly husbands' Marriage seminars.

    At the session last week, the priest asked Tony, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
    to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
    woman all these years.

    Tony replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I'v tried to treat her nice, spend money on her,
    but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

    The priest responded, 'Tony, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
    Please tell us, are you planning something special for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

    Tony proudly replied, 'I gonna go pick her up.'
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #5187
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"

    A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

    He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

    He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

    The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #5188
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

    What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.

    The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

    That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

    "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

    The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

    There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #5189
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  10. #5190
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    Wonder what would America do if OUR goobermint turned off access to our internet like Cuba did?
    There would be millions of people in panic!

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

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