Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5191
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

    That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

    She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

    He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

    She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

    He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

    "Well, what was it?" she asked.

    He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

    She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

    Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #5192
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

    "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

    "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

    "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

    "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #5193
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
    "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

    She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
    "Oh yes? Prove it."

    He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
    He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

    About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
    "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #5194
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Romanian, an Arab,​
    And a Yorkshire Lass are​
    In the same bar.​
    When the Romanian​
    Finishes his beer,​
    He throws his glass​
    In the air, pulls Out ​
    His pistol, and Shoots​
    The glass To pieces.​
    He says, 'In Romania,​
    Our glasses are so​
    Cheap we don't need​
    to drink with the
    Same one twice.'​






    The Arab, obviously​
    Impressed by this,​
    Drinks non-alcohol beer​

    Throws it into the​
    Air, pulls out his​
    AK-47, and shoots​
    The glass to pieces.​
    He says, 'In the​
    Arab World, we have​
    So much sand to make​
    Glasses that we don't​
    Need to drink with​
    The same one twice either.'​






    The Yorkshire Lass,
    Cool as a cucumber,​
    Picks up her beer,​
    Downs it in one gulp,​
    Throws the glass into​
    The air, whips out her​
    45, and shoots the​

    Romanian and the Arab.




    Catching her glass,​
    Setting it on the bar, ​
    and calling​
    For a refill,​
    She says, 'In Yorkshire,​
    We have so many​
    Illegal immigrants that​
    We don't have to​
    Drink with the same ones twice.'​
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #5195
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Philosophy of Sex

    "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
    --Tom Clancy

    "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
    --Steve Martin

    "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
    --Woody Allen

    "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
    --Rodney Dangerfield

    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
    --Lynn Lavner

    "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
    --Matt Barry

    "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
    --George Burns

    "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
    --George Burns

    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
    --Sharon Stone

    "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
    --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
    --Jack Nicholson

    "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
    --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)

    "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
    --Robin Williams
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #5196
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
    One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
    To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #5197
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Bill (it's usually Bill) catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
    Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

    A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
    He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job.
    The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
    Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
    So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
    As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #5198
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

    The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
    He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
    "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

    After the curator left, a young man in a Forest football shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
    "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
    "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Nottingham coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #5199
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

    "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
    "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
    When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
    "Once," he replied.
    "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
    "Don't stop."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #5200
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    Re: Joke of the Day


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