Joke of the Day

[roryx]

A man goes to his gp (thats doctor in england) hes not very well the doctor examines him but cant find anything wrong so sends him off to hospital for tests.he has x rays, cat scan ,blood tests ,mri ,the works and all the technicians send their results to the gp the gp calls the man into his office and says "ive got good news and bad news" well the man says whats the good news"
doctor says "we know whats wrong with you" and the bad news doctor says "you have a new disease its called yellow 24" whats the cure says the man,sadly says the doctor there is no cure its a new disease from out of china its called yellow 24 because you turn yellow and die in 24 hours .go home tell the wife settle some affairs is the best advice I can give you says the doctor .the man goes home tells the wife shes not very happy .well its my bingo night tonight she says, come with me and it will take your mind of it.so he goes he gets a card and starts playing and he wins the first prize off the night for getting 4 corners ,he wins £100 he keeps playing with the same card and is the first to get a middle line for which he gets £1000,well its something for the wife he thinks ,he keeps playing and gets a full house on the same card and wins£10000.the bingo caller call him onto the stage and says"ive been doing this job for 30 years and I have never seen such luck on the same card,you must be a very very lucky man."lucky" says the man "i'll have you know ive got yellow24",looking at his notes the bingo caller says good god you have won the raffle as well!

[slimslob]

[slimslob]

[izzynut]

The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

[slimslob]

[tsbservice]

A university writing class were given an exercise -
to write as short a short story as possible using three themes - religion, sexuality and mystery
The only A* entry was as follows:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"



A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in my usual calm detached manner, "I didn't know there were any witnesses... Now I'll have to kill you too."

[tsbservice]

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used for the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shed and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the waste bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

COMMON SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

BIGGER HAMMER: Same as a normal hammer but larger in size and weight. Used to make things that don't fit, fit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[tsbservice]

A traveling salesman, in the middle of his two-week stint on the road, walks into a whore house. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house.
"Give me the WORST lay you have here." he says.
The Madam, looking confused, says, "But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls."
The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, "Please, I just want the WORST piece of ass in the house."
The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies, "Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lay of your life."
Sheepishly the salesman says, "I don't want the best lay of my life. I'm not horny - I'm homesick!"

[tsbservice]

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the

new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his

front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through

the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull

down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it

with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around

the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head

so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I

doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn

chase chicks, drink ****, and listen to bull ****.

[izzynut]

Thank-you letter to Tide manufacturer
Dear Tide, I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!

I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am almost fifty I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I also ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.