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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5241
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

    Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

    The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

    Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

    Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

    Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

    Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

    About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

    "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

    Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

    The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

    Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #5242
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  3. #5243
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  4. #5244
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  5. #5245
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  6. #5246
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    These are the times and tribulations of being a Senior Citizen:
    The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”
    Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
    It’s weird being the same age as old people.
    When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
    Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
    It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
    Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
    Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!
    M y wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.
    I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…
    I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
    We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to: ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
    So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
    I f you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
    I ’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
    I ’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
    Don’t be worried about your smart phone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
    I ’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
    I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s only because I missed my exit.
    How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
    You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
    We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

  7. #5247
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    For all those in need of devine guidance !!

    A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:
    “Forgive me father for I have sinned”.


    “What have you done?” asked the priest.

    “A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library.
    I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
    “Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.

    “But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbour asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalised and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.

    “Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.
    “Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.
    “Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.


    “So what should I do father?” the man asked.

    “Well” answered the priest,

    “you should get the HELL out of here before it starts raining!”

  8. #5248
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    For all those in need of devine guidance !!

    A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:
    “Forgive me father for I have sinned”.


    “What have you done?” asked the priest.

    “A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library.
    I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
    “Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.

    “But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbour asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalised and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.

    “Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.
    “Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.
    “Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.


    “So what should I do father?” the man asked.

    “Well” answered the priest,

    “you should get the HELL out of here before it starts raining!”
    Good old school joke
    If it was to keep with today's mainstream priest would be delighted
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #5249
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" brain cells active! And for you younger ones, to get them growing!!!



    1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

    5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

    8. What was the british Prime Minister's Name...in 1975?

    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

    10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?




    Yep scroll down for the answers ......................









    Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)

    1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

    Answer: Johnny, of course.

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

    Answer: Meat.

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

    Answer: Mt. Everest.

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

    Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

    5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

    Answer: Incorrectly

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

    Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

    Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

    8. What was the Prime Minister's Name in 1975?

    Answer: Same as is it now - Boris Johnson

    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

    Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

    10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

    Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

    Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

    IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

    1) You can't count your hair.
    2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
    3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

    Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.


    Ten (10) Things I know about you.

    1) You are reading this.

    2) You are human.

    3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

    4) You just attempted to do it.

    6) You are laughing at yourself.

    7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

    8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

    9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

    10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

    You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.


    TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS

    Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....

    See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?
    1. Banana
    2. Dresser
    3. Grammar
    4. Potato
    5. Revive
    6. Uneven
    7. Assess


    Give it another try....
    Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the Answer. This is so cool.....

    REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

    NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN

    No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....
    Answer is below!


    Answer:

    In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

    Did you figure it out?

    No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well.

    Then, you'll feel better too.....!

  10. #5250
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

    Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

    Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

    The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

    The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
    They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
    answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
    questions.

    The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
    (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
    three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

    One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
    drop to its knees with laughter.

    Anyway, here's how it all went down:

    DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

    Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.."

    DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
    you win. What is your name? First only please."

    Contestant: "Brian."

    DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

    Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

    DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

    Brian: "Sarah."

    DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

    Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

    DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

    Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

    DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

    Brian: "About 10 minutes."

    DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
    that if a trip wasn't at stake."

    Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

    DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
    morning?

    Brian: "On the kitchen table."

    Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
    call her up.

    DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
    ringing....)

    Clerk: "Kinkos."

    DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

    Clerk: "This is she."

    DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and
    I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

    Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

    DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
    give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
    of 'Mate Match'?"

    Sarah: "No."

    DJ: "Good!"

    Brian: (laughing)

    Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

    Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
    completely honest."

    DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
    your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
    the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

    Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

    DJ: "Alright.. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

    Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

    DJ: "What time?"

    Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

    DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

    Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

    DJ: "Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
    manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
    from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

    Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

    DJ: "Where did you have it?"

    Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

    Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

    DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

    Sarah: "Well..."

    DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?

    Sarah: "Up the arse....."

    They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was Going to have
    a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
    unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
    conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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