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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5251
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
    St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
    The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
    The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
    The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
    St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
    "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
    St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #5252
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Brain food for bird brains


  3. #5253
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  4. #5254
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  5. #5255
    Senior Tech 250+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.


    'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

    'No, I don't,' she replied.

    'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

    She didn't crack a smile.

    'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

    'What's so funny?' he asked.

    'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

    (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)



    Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!





  6. #5256
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

    'To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
    Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

    'My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

    18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

    Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #5257
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
    "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

    She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
    "Oh yes? Prove it."

    He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
    He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

    About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
    "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure".
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #5258
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

    Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


    Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #5259
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    "In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."

    Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.

    After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there."

    "People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #5260
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    What did the drummer name his 2 daughters???

    Anna1 Anna2

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