Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5461
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman who is beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
    Doctor: What happened?"
    Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
    Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.Just gargle and gargle."
    Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
    Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."


    Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #5462
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

    There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

    Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

    The priest replies: "Fuck off. You're on my side!!!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #5463
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones the vet for help.
    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
    The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
    So he loads the sheep onto his Land Rover and drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them home and goes to bed.
    Next morning he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are still standing around he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them into the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
    Next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. “Try again” he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drives out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home he falls listlessly into bed.
    The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
    “No”, she says, “they’re all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn”.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #5464
    Retired 10,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by tsbservice View Post
    On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
    "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

    "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

    "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." he said

    "I Can't."


    "OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

    A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded...."
    Dudley Do-Right to the rescue.

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    Re: Joke of the Day


  6. #5466
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  7. #5467
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  8. #5468
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    One Sunday morning,
    A priest decided to
    do something a little different.
    He said
    'Today, in church, I am going
    to say a single word
    and you are going to
    help me preach.
    Whatever single word I say,
    I want you to sing whatever
    hymn that comes to your mind --
    the pastor shouted out
    'CROSS.'


    Immediately
    the congregation started singing in unison,
    'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'


    The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
    to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'


    The pastor said 'POWER.'
    The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'


    The Pastor said 'SEX'
    The congregation fell into total silence.


    Everyone was in shock.
    They all nervously began to look around at each other
    afraid to say anything.


    Then all of a sudden,
    way from in the back of the church,
    a little 87 year old grandmother
    stood up and began to sing
    'MEMORIES.'
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #5469
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Never Assume
    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.


    Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was
    washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response
    on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and
    sure enough, there was definite movement.


    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
    him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
    trick & bring her out of the coma.'


    The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they
    would close the curtains for privacy.... The husband finally agreed
    and went into his wife's room.


    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse,
    no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?'
    they cried.
    The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'


    NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #5470
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    ​A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

    His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

    The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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