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* As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
* Sorry I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
* Turns out that being a “senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
* Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."
* I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
* Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words: defense, defeat, detail.
Student: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
* God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
* I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
* Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
* I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
* My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
* Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I'm still alive.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
(I see whatchya did there...)Originally Posted by tsbservice
Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.
Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?” It seems I am now blocked.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat.
Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a five dollar bill with a bent corner.
Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.
I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a beer at a football or hockey game, they are a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.
After another year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.
I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently, you can't do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.
In the 1960's I fell off my bike and skinned my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.
Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.
Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.
I still have a full deck ... I just shuffle slower.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.
Smile! It's the least we can do.
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