Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5921
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
    "How many children?" asks the assessor.
    "Ten" she replies.
    "Ten?"says the Centrelink worker. "What are their names?"
    "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
    "Doesn't that get confusing?"
    "Naah..." says the Collingwood girl. "If they playing in the street I just shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED and they all do it ..."
    "What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed Centrelink worker.
    "Easy," says the Collingwood girl ... "I just use their surnames."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  2. #5922
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts.
    -
    Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
    -
    Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
    -
    Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
    -
    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
    restaurant because they had never been there before.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  3. #5923
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    After 35 years of marriage, a husband & wife went for counseling.


    When asked what the problem was, the wife began listing every problem they had ever had: constant disagreement, over-spending, neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, failure to keep promises etc.


    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk &, after asking the wife to stand. He embraced her for a long while & then looked her in the eye and told her he loved her, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.


    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.


    The therapist turned to the husband and said,


    "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"


    The husband replied,


    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  4. #5924
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  5. #5925
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Ted:
    "That used to be quite common you know, the favourite son would become a doctor and the idiot son would be sent off to the priesthood"

    Dougal:
    "Your brother's a doctor isn't he?"

    Ted:
    "Yes!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  6. #5926
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Helpful

    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  7. #5927
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Why Jackie Changed Motels


    Last week, a lady named Jackie checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
    She thought,
    "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
    She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
    He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum....She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
    "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
    Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
    "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
    “No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
    “Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!
    “Now how does that sound?"
    He said,
    "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  8. #5928
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    How to tell you've been really bad this Christmas


    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  9. #5929
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Smart Professor


    At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an 'A', so far.

    These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

    Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

    They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

    The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.

    Cool, they thought. Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.....

    For 95 points:

    Which tire? _________
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

  10. #5930
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The secret of enjoying a good wine:




    1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe
    2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

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