Joke of the Day

**Hansen88** · 03-11-2020

Q:Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A:The size of the dirtbag

**slimslob** · 03-11-2020

Originally Posted by Hansen88

Q:Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A:The size of the dirtbag

Groan.jpg

**NeoMatrix** · 03-12-2020

Originally Posted by kingarthur

My first wife told me I only had 2 faults.....everything i did and everything i said......

Need some appreciation.....?

Marry a gorgeous deaf chickybabe in a wheelchair....

**NeoMatrix** · 03-13-2020

Originally Posted by slimslob

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
{random snip to save bandwidth}

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.

In the theme of Joe Diffes Lyrics : Third-Rock-From-The-Sun...

1...
2...
3...
Singing,all together now...

Waitress calls the cops says she saw it all
swears a giant alien has landed at the mall
Cops ring up the mayor says there's panic in the street,
hate to wake you up but we cant find the chief,
mayor says use your head, if he ain't in his car
he's hiding from his wife, down at Smokey's bar

Cause and effect, chain of events,
All of the chaos makes perfect sense,
When we're spinnin' round,
Things come undone.
Welcome to the earth, third rock from the sun.
.
.
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Welcome to the earth, third rock from the sun.
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.
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Welcome to the earth, third rock from the sun.

**tsbservice** · 03-14-2020

As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

**tsbservice** · 03-14-2020

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” the guy replied.

The cop said, “But there is no traffic.”

And the guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

**slimslob** · 03-15-2020

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.

'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'

'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'

'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'

'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'