Joke of the Day

[bob marley]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then
hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing ?" The
woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, " You've been working so much that
you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and
the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[FrohnB]

Why does Stephen Hawking only do One-Liners?
Because he can't do Stand-Up!


Say what you want about pedophiles,
but at least they drive slow through the school zones.


What do you call a man who cries while he's pleasuring himself?
A Tearjerker!

[tsbservice]

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.

"Hey Pepe", says the first man.
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush"

[tsbservice]

Cheltenham Horse Races.
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn
about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one,
holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied.
'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

[tsbservice]

An American, a Frenchman, and a Chinese guy are on a boat.
The boat sinks and they get stuck on a deserted island.
The American says:
"Okay, I'll be in charge of building us shelter, French guy, you're in charge of finding drinking water, and Chinese guy, you're in charge of the supplies."
They all agree to that and go off to get started.
At the end of the day the American has built a nice tent and the Frenchmen has found a good water hole, but the Chinese guy doesn't come back.
He doesn't come back the next day either so they go to search for him.
Finally, they are searching for him and the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a tree and yells
"SUPPLIES!"

[tsbservice]

Bad first date

She said it was midwinter.....Snowing and quite cold....and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight), they were strangers after all, and had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra coffee.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow, she did not have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the back bumper to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's bumper.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
Therefore, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the bumper.

True story

[tsbservice]

Dan was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Dan left to go back home to his wife.
When Dan's friends started arriving to set up camp the following day who should be there but Dan sitting up in front of his truck,
tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dan?"
"I didn't have to" was Dan's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, surprise..!!
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said,
"Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want....."
So Here I am....!

[tsbservice]

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”
“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “These are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“Those are enough questions, honestly!”
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
“I know how old you are, you are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”

[slimslob]

The Sheet

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he
decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently
trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the
soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down
at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing
his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked
up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat
the sh*t out of a ghost."

[tsbservice]

A big game hunter walked in to a bar and starts bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no-one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course, he was right again.

Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."