Joke of the Day

**tsbservice** · 05-22-2020

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

**tsbservice** · 05-22-2020

A 2014 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad...

**tsbservice** · 05-22-2020

At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

**tsbservice** · 05-22-2020

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said,
"You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

**tsbservice** · 05-22-2020

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

**slimslob** · 05-24-2020

Omg!!! Only in America... So we pulled into the gas station to get some gas and a snack. When I was walking in to pay, I noticed a police car parked on the side of the building. He was watching this woman who was smoking while pumping gas. Of course, I saw her and thought - this lady is crazy!
But anyway, I went inside got my snack and paid for my gas. As the cashier was giving me my receipt, I heard somebody screaming. I looked out the door and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around like crazy! I ran outside to assist the Deputy who had just put the lady on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee!! It was almost dejá vu.
Then, he cuffed her and threw her in his Patrol car. LOL. I was thinking "What kind of person smokes WHILE PUMPING GAS and thinks nothing's gonna happen?! Just dumb! So being an inquisitive person, I asked the Deputy what he was charging her with. He looked me dead in the face and said, “WAVING A FIREARM!”

**tsbservice** · 06-03-2020

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman:

“I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'
“Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
“But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest,meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled:
“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied:
“Get him Spike!”

**tsbservice** · 06-03-2020

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought,
"I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

**larweedad** · 06-08-2020

My oldest daughter (25 years old) calls me the other day.

D: Dad I have a bird in my van.
Me: What kind of bird? How did it get into your vehicle?
D: I don't know and the windows have been up all day, but I can here it flying.
D: Wait. I hear it again.
Me: Pull off the road and look around.
D: Never mind Dad. It was the rear wiper rubbing on the dry widow.

Life with a blonde is never dull. Hope some else gets a good laugh like I did.