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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six of the beasts, all with massive antlers.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'.
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'
Mick replied, 'yup...I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year'
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
Little Johnny was sitting outside a church playing with sulphuric acid.
The priest came up to him and said "Child why are you playing with sulphuric acid? Thats dangerous! I've got some holy water inside that is much more powerful."
Little Johnny replied "How come?"
"Well last week I splashed some holy water on Mrs.Wilson's tummy and she passed a baby!" said the priest proudly.
"Thats nothing," retorted Little Johnny "I spashed some sulphuric acid on my dog's balls and he passed a Ferrari!"
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
The teacher asked Little Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence...
Johnny stood up and said,
"My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
Originally Posted by tsbservice
Boy, you ain't right.
That's pretty good.
What is the difference between Engineers, Architects and Contractors?
An Architect is said to be a man who knows a great deal, about very little, and who goes along knowing more and more, about less and less, until finally, he knows practically everything about nothing.
An Engineer, on the other hand, is a man who knows a very little about, a great deal, and keeps knowing less and less, about more and more, until he knows practically nothing about everything.
A Contractor starts out knowing practically everything, about everything, but ends by knowing nothing about anything, due to his association with Architects and Engineers.
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.
The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The song leader lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."
The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."
The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The song leader led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."
With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The song leader lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"
As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts,"Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?
" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for
about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
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