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Three newly wed couples were sitting in a hotel having breakfast.
The first new husband says to his wife,
"Pass the honey honey"
The second one on hearing this thought he better be romantic too so asked his new wife,
"Pass the sugar sugar"
The third husband panics looks around the table quickly and says the only thing he could think of,
"Pass the milk you old cow"
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."
"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"**** off you ****," he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
An electrician, a mechanic, and a lawyer are shipwrecked in shark infested waters.
The sharks are hungry.
They ate 2, the electrician and the mechanic, but left the lawyer. Why?
Professional etiquette.
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, ''I'd calm down if I were you.''
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
****ed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ''You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.''
''Rubbish,'' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
''What a ferocious creature!'' exclaimed the young, fried alien. ''He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?''
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
''If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.''
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A guy calls a fitness company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Lisa xx
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely!" he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a .40 Caliber Sig Sauer P-229 service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
one illegal alien,
one lawyer,
one meth dealer,
one used car salesman
one Muslim extremist,
one Democrat,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
I LOVE TEXAS
Thanks
Good one, haven't heard that one before.Originally Posted by slimslob
Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk
I got it from a Facebook friend who graduated from same high school as me 8 years ahead of me and now also lives in Bakersfield. She is also part Native American. Not sure what tribe.Good one, haven't heard that one before.
Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk
Lady: Doctor, I’m having difficulty telling when my partner is approaching climax during sex?
Doctor: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?
Lady: I did once and he looked very angry.
Doctor: Why?
Lady: Because he was outside watching through the window.
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
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