Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by when suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch.

He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back. "What the hell was that for?" he asks.

"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife for a moment, then shakes his head and slowly climbing back into his chair to resume his rocking.

A few minutes later, the old man's arm suddenly shoots out, smacking the old lady so hard she tumbles out of the chair and all the way down the porch steps.

"And just what the hell what was THAT for?" she demands.

"For knowing the difference."

[tsbservice]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that:-Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[tsbservice]

My missus thumped me when I showed her this...and then sent me back to the kitchen to finish the dinner.

[tsbservice]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda...

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

[tsbservice]

FIFTY SHADES OF ...............


You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you
laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your
hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near
crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only
the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it
all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........



F...ing mosquito!

[tsbservice]

As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?"

"Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked.

"No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."

[slimslob]

[tsbservice]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office,he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for £250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...

[tsbservice]

Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him
in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that ******* before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[tsbservice]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"