Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #5231
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A road construction manager needs to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired and are each assigned a section of the road.
    The first day, the redhead paints 1.5 miles, the brunette 1, and the blonde 2.
    On the second day, the redhead paints 2.5 miles, the brunette 2, and the blonde 1.
    On the third day, the redhead paints 3.5 miles, the brunette 3, but the blonde only does 1/4 mile.
    The manager decides to talk to the blonde. “You haven’t been painting as much road as you did on the first day,” the manager says. “What’s the problem?”
    “I’d be painting more,” the blonde replies, “but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!”

  2. #5232
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  3. #5233
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  4. #5234
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

    'A can of peaches.'

    The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

    'Six"

    The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'

    Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?'

    She also stole a can of peas.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  5. #5235
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Went for an interview on a building site today.

    The foreman said, "Can you make tea?"

    I said, "Yes I can make tea."

    He said, "Can you drive a forklift?"

    I said, "How big's the bloody teapot?"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  6. #5236
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Annie, just 7 years old, had just had her first family planning lesson at school

    She goes home and immediately her mother asks, "How did it go, sweetie?"

    "I died of shame," Annie answers.

    "Why?"

    Annie replied, "Karen, from down the road, said that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class said you can buy babies at the hospital."

    Her mother laughs, "Well, that's no reason to be ashamed."

    "No, but I can never tell them that we're so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  7. #5237
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  8. #5238
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I took my Dad to a shopping Mall the other day to buy a new pair of shoes (he's 66).

    We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him....

    The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange & blue. Dad kept staring at her.

    The girl kept looking & everytime would catch Dad staring at her.

    Finally when she had had enough, she sarcastically asked Dad:

    "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I would not choke on his response, I knew it would be good!

    In classic style he replied without batting an eyelid....

    "Got stoned once and f****d a parrot, just wondering if you were my daughter?"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  9. #5239
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa ..
    The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
    We're the same age; we were the same size as cubs.
    I just don't get it.'
    'Well,' said the big Bear, 'what have you been eating?'
    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Bear.
    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
    'Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.'
    'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
    'Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
    Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the $hit out of them and eat 'em!'
    'Ah!' says the big Bear, 'I think I see your problem.
    You're not getting any real nourishment.
    See, by the time you finish shaking the $hit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a$$hole and a briefcase.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  10. #5240
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

    Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

    The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

    Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

    Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

    Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

    Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

    About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

    "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

    Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

    The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

    Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

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