A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also drank all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says,
"I can't believe they screwed my wife after only 5 beers!"
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?'
The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'
'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
I seem to always remember the bad jokes and quickly forget the good ones.
Here's one I heard not too long ago that I thought was funny:
Wife: Honey, does my ass look fat in these pants?
Husband: I'm not gonna answer that because if I say yes, you'll get mad.
Wife: No I will not. You can tell me anything and I won't get mad.
Husband: Really? I can tell you anything and you won't get mad?
Wife: I promise I won't get mad.
Husband: Okay...I fucked your sister last night.
Growth is found only in adversity.
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
English Teacher:
“In English, a double negative forms a positive.A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
“In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
“However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.””What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “Get in line.”
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor."Ten" she replies."Ten?"says the Centrelink worker. "What are their names?""Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan""Doesn't that get confusing?""Naah..." says the Collingwood girl. "If they playing in the street I just shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED and they all do it ...""What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed Centrelink worker."Easy," says the Collingwood girl ... "I just use their surnames."
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
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