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HERE’S HOW BAD INFLATION IS:
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Called to get Blue Book value on my car. They asked if gas tank was full or empty.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Two 90 year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.
One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball and we played all through high school. Please do me one favour: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there.
Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, "Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Leo passed away.
A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Frank ... Frank …"
"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
“Leo. it's me, Leo."
"You're not Leo. Leo just died."
"I'm telling you it's me, Leo," insisted the voice.
"Leo! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.
"The good news," Leo said, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …..”
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