Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Memo Degredation

Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is
when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is
something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for
employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in
the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing
the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will
be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will
be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two
minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The
CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some
information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for
two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be
seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will
eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will
be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear.
It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

[Tata]

The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.

You have just described Obamacare!!

[Brian8506]

Priceless!!

Why a man should always let a woman talk first.


Lucky Escape | Directed by Shane McCabe - YouTube

[Brian8506]

Man it didn't take you many posts to piss her off. I'm gonna get my binoculars and stand on the Jersey beach and see if I can see the fireworks across the pond.

Are you Flirting with me?....

[KenB]

Man it didn't take you many posts to piss her off. I'm gonna get my binoculars and stand on the Jersey beach and see if I can see the fireworks across the pond.

I'm thinking welding goggles would be a safer bet.

[Akitu]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

[ZOOTECH]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
who remarked "What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame he makes that little boy walk."
So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride.”
So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey?"
The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

You might as well ......
Kiss your ass goodbye!!!!!!

[mjarbar]

Man it didn't take you many posts to piss her off. I'm gonna get my binoculars and stand on the Jersey beach and see if I can see the fireworks across the pond.

I think I'm at ground zero, I'm based just the other side of the Thames

[Brian8506]

Subject: Never Mix Beer And A Simple Gutter Repair

My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!" So I invited the boys over. One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter the others brought beer. Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer, but we got the downspout fixed. Wife is still speechless... I am certain not for much longer though.

[Akitu]

A horny guy went into a whorehouse and says, "I need a blow job, but I only have $5". "Okay", the owner said, "that is not much, but for $5 we can give you a penguin". "What's a penguin?" The man asked. "you'll see", she replied. So he went upstairs. A young woman came and started giving him a blow job. But just as he was about to finish, she stopped and walked away. Frustrated, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming "What's a penguin?"