Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4391
    Service Manager 5,000+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
    The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

    She said that she did.

    He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

    The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

    The woman was mystified.
    She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

    The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    I don't reply to private messages from end users.

  2. #4392
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Butt all men....are men.
    _________



    Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

    Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
    ______________________________ __


    Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.


    Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"


    Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
    ______________________________ __



    Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.



    Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".


    Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
    ______________________________ __


    Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".


    Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
    ______________________________ __



    Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.


    Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
    ______________________________ __



    Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'



    'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
    ______________________________ __



    An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.


    His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"


    The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.


    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.


    "Here boy" he replies.
    ______________________________ __


    Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.



    "What the hell you doing?" he asks.


    "Hanging myself", Paddy replies.


    "It should be around your neck", says the Guard.


    "I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
    ______________________________ __


    An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


    To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
    ______________________________ __

    Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.


    Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
    ______________________________ __


    Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'


    'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
    ______________________________ __

    Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.


    Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

    Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

  3. #4393
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,

    "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!"

    She Removes all of her clothes and asks,

    "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

    "Here, Iron this".

  4. #4394
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  5. #4395
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

    We will heel you

    We will save your sole

    We will even dye for you.



    A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

    “Blind man driving.”



    Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”



    In a Podiatrist's office:

    "Time wounds all heels.”



    On a Septic Tank Truck :

    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



    At an Optometrist's Office :

    "If you don't see what you're looking for,

    You've come to the right place.”



    On a Plumber's truck :

    "We repair what your husband fixed.”



    On another Plumber's truck :

    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”



    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

    "Invite us to your next blowout.”



    On an Electrician's truck :

    "Let us remove your shorts.”



    In a Non-smoking Area:

    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

    will take appropriate action.”



    On a Maternity Room door

    "Push. Push. Push.”



    At a Car Dealership :

    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”



    Outside a Muffler Shop:

    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”



    In a Veterinarian's waiting room :

    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”



    At the Electric Company:

    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time

    However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”



    In a Restaurant window:

    "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”



    In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

    "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”



    At a Propane Filling Station:

    "Thank Heaven for little grills.”



    In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

    "Best place in town to take a leak.”



    And the best one for last…;

    Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

    “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”







  6. #4396
    Retired 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

    We will heel you

    We will save your sole

    We will even dye for you.



    A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

    “Blind man driving.”



    Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”



    In a Podiatrist's office:

    "Time wounds all heels.”



    On a Septic Tank Truck :

    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



    At an Optometrist's Office :

    "If you don't see what you're looking for,

    You've come to the right place.”



    On a Plumber's truck :

    "We repair what your husband fixed.”



    On another Plumber's truck :

    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”



    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

    "Invite us to your next blowout.”



    On an Electrician's truck :

    "Let us remove your shorts.”



    In a Non-smoking Area:

    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

    will take appropriate action.”



    On a Maternity Room door

    "Push. Push. Push.”



    At a Car Dealership :

    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”



    Outside a Muffler Shop:

    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”



    In a Veterinarian's waiting room :

    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”



    At the Electric Company:

    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time

    However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”



    In a Restaurant window:

    "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”



    In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

    "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”



    At a Propane Filling Station:

    "Thank Heaven for little grills.”



    In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

    "Best place in town to take a leak.”



    And the best one for last…;

    Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

    “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”






    In a photography shop "we'll shoot you, blow you up and then you can go home and hang yourself.

  7. #4397
    worker drone 250+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    There used to be a local bra shop years ago that had a sign in the window that said "We fix flats"

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

    We will heel you

    We will save your sole

    We will even dye for you.



    A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

    “Blind man driving.”



    Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”



    In a Podiatrist's office:

    "Time wounds all heels.”



    On a Septic Tank Truck :

    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



    At an Optometrist's Office :

    "If you don't see what you're looking for,

    You've come to the right place.”



    On a Plumber's truck :

    "We repair what your husband fixed.”



    On another Plumber's truck :

    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”



    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

    "Invite us to your next blowout.”



    On an Electrician's truck :

    "Let us remove your shorts.”



    In a Non-smoking Area:

    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

    will take appropriate action.”



    On a Maternity Room door

    "Push. Push. Push.”



    At a Car Dealership :

    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”



    Outside a Muffler Shop:

    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”



    In a Veterinarian's waiting room :

    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”



    At the Electric Company:

    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time

    However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”



    In a Restaurant window:

    "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”



    In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

    "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”



    At a Propane Filling Station:

    "Thank Heaven for little grills.”



    In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

    "Best place in town to take a leak.”



    And the best one for last…;

    Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

    “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”







  8. #4398
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    New Brunswick
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    162

    Re: Joke of the Day


  9. #4399
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

    We will heel you

    We will save your sole

    We will even dye for you.



    A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

    “Blind man driving.”



    Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”



    In a Podiatrist's office:

    "Time wounds all heels.”



    On a Septic Tank Truck :

    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



    At an Optometrist's Office :

    "If you don't see what you're looking for,

    You've come to the right place.”



    On a Plumber's truck :

    "We repair what your husband fixed.”



    On another Plumber's truck :

    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”



    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

    "Invite us to your next blowout.”



    On an Electrician's truck :

    "Let us remove your shorts.”



    In a Non-smoking Area:

    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

    will take appropriate action.”



    On a Maternity Room door

    "Push. Push. Push.”



    At a Car Dealership :

    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”



    Outside a Muffler Shop:

    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”



    In a Veterinarian's waiting room :

    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”



    At the Electric Company:

    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time

    However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”



    In a Restaurant window:

    "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”



    In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

    "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”



    At a Propane Filling Station:

    "Thank Heaven for little grills.”



    In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

    "Best place in town to take a leak.”



    And the best one for last…;

    Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

    “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”






    Sign on a garment repair shop: "We sew what you rip"

  10. #4400
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts
    Join Date
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    Location
    Midlands England
    Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    It was a very stormy voyage on a cruise ship. A child was suddenly swept overboard. His poor mother was screaming:
    " My baby! My poor baby!! Somebody please save my poor baby!!"
    But nobody would dare to jump in and save him.
    All of a sudden, a tiny old man was seen flying over the edge, and as soon as he hit the water, he grabbed the child and held on to him. Someone threw in a life belt and both of them were pulled back on board. There were cheers all round!!
    During the banquet thrown in the little old mans honour that evening, plaudit after plaudit was made praising his bravery.
    Eventually, after all the praises had been heaped upon him, someone shouted:
    "Let's hear from the brave man himself! Speech! Speech!"
    Everyone joined in: "Speech! Speech!"
    The little old man stood up, adjusted his glasses, straightened his jacket, and said:
    " Screw the speech! I want to know which one of you bastards pushed me overboard!"

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