comic relief

[Dukem]

Church couple

An old couple were in church and the woman leaned over and whispered in her husbands ear "I just let out a silent fart what should I do?" Her husband replied "Change the batteries in your hearing aid!"

[ZOOTECH]

MonkeyJoke.wmv (on virb.com)

You can't help but laugh at monkeys.

[Rudi]

John Says To His Friend Bill , I Have A Problem With My Wife , She Is A Liar , How Can You Say That, Says Bill . Because Last Night She Was Not Home When I Asked Her Where She Was She Said She Spent The Night With Her Sister Lisa But She Is Lying Because I Spent The Night With Her Sister Lisa.

[CMB]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks! , and completed the exam with tremendous skill.When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" *


The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler

[Rudi]

A Woman Hears A Knock On Her Door When She Opened There Was A Man Who Asked , Good Day Mam Do You Have A Vagina ? The Woman Slammed The Door In His Face The Next Day She Hears A Knock Again , Same Man Asking , Good Day Mam Do You Have A Vagina ? Again She Slammed The Door , Then When Her Husband Came Home She Told Him All About The Man Who Was Acting Like A
Weird Person He Then Offered To Take Off Work The Next Day And Told Her That When The Man Knocks Again He Wil Stand Behind The Door And Upon His Question She Must Answer Yes. The Next Day Knock On The Door The Woman Opens , Good Day Mam Do You Have A Vagina ? Yes The Woman Replies. He Then Said . Please Ask Your Husband To Leave My Wifes Vagina Alone And Use Yours.

[CMB]

what does Kodak and a condom have in common?

they both capture that special moment.

[leo34staffs]

A paper boy knocks on a womans door and when she answers the door he says i have your paper. she says why didnt you just post it? he says well you owe a fiver on your bill? she says i have no money but i will pay you in other ways, he says what do u mean, she says come and make love to me. so he puts his bike down and goes in her house takes off his pants and has the biggest willy she has ever seen!! Then he puts some washers on his willy, she says dont bother with them i want it all!!

He says not for a fiver you arnt!!

[Copier_Guy]

That was a good one. Here's another:

Pain Divider

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

[Copier_Guy]

Don't OD!!

Here's another:

College Sweaters

Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest.
The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"
She replies, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."
The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big "H" on her chest.
Agian, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" The woman replys "My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."
The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large "M".
He says, "Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"
"No ... " replies the patient. "But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

[Absurd]

Why dont midgets use tampons?
They keep tripping on the strings.

[Absurd]

An Arkansas University fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Arkansas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Arkansas fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Arkansas baby boy. He's gonna be a University of Arkansas football player.
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW! One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Arkansas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. He asked," What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born! "
The Arkansas father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says," Had him circumcised." GO Hogs!!!

[Absurd]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

[Suprtek]

A man who worked at a pickle factory came home from work looking dejected. "what's wrong?" asked his wife. "I got fired for putting my willy in the pickle slicer" he answered. His wife frantically ripped his trousers open to see the damage only to find him fully intact. "I don't understand" she said, "What happened to the pickle slicer?" Her husband answered, "Oh, she got fired too!"

[CMB]

i hear Micheal Jackson got arrested again some where across the country at a Dillards dept store. when asked why he was there he replied, "i saw an advertisement- little boys pants half off".

[ZOOTECH]

First this guy can't get a quality printout, then he's involved in a toner bomb, and I'll bet he doesn't get a good "Print Screen" on the copier.