Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

The doctor said the cost would be $8,500 for small, $14,500 for medium or $24,000 for a large penis.


The man was sure he would want a medium or a large one, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid ! not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.


Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.


Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in some nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up. And that's when all the other bells started to ring...........

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

According to Snopes, this one is true! Be
careful...




I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young
women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.


While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home.
Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while
the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.


I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.




You've been warned!!! Be careful!!!

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.


So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.


So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.


So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.! The food and wine were wonderful! , and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the
finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"


"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."


"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

FORD IS # 1
On a golf tour in Newfoundland , Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote part of town.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
''How's she cuttin' bye'' says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
''What are dose?'' asks the attendant. ''They're called tees'' replies Tiger.
''Well, what on god's earth are dey for?'' inquires the attendant..
''They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving'', says Tiger.
''Fookin Jaysus'', says the Newfoundlander, ''Ford tinks of everyting!''

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

318165019_583783170421033_4583437569193760636_n.jpg

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

319393181_5749965071723277_6743707890889540158_n.jpg

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

758F90CB-826B-4DF8-871F-8B663B985D0A.jpg

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

BECDD08E-8066-4DC9-BAB6-6D0EE0567497.jpg

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

1ACE536D-D41E-424B-93E7-E9C375E42E74.jpeg

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

1836874C-2BA8-402A-A8F7-84D4B04A1031.jpg

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

77FEF395-89D6-4BB7-A23F-D74FF99B10F8.jpeg