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Re: Joke of the Day
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row, now.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a carbon tax rebate?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to some taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on a hooker, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada . )
Conclusion:
Go to a hockey game with a tattooed hooker you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has a ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
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