I rear-ended a car a few days ago.The other driver got out of his car. He was pissed ... and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"I said, "OK, then which one are you?"
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That was a good one. Here's another.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby "No, don't be in a hurry
to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .. . . . . . .
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"Comment
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"Comment
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One night at a club little red riding hood and the big bad wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading each other on, they went back to his place. He asked her "come on please just let me stick it in." Little Red Riding hood replied 'Stick to the story motherf***er, EAT ME!'
(They Do The Same Thing)Comment
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Not sure of the manufacturer, but wouldn't it be nice to have a machine take care of a "problem customer" like this?
Paper Jam - paperjam.wmv @ ZippyVideos.com - Free Video Webhosting"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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The intent of the ad is fine (I like it!!) BUT AA paper? It is JAM PACKED in itself! (At least, the last ream of it I bought was!)If you are hitting your head up against a wall it always feels better when you stop.Comment
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I meant the copier. I have a few customers I'd like to introduce it to. I liked the part where he SMACKED her upside the noggin with the set of documents. The same thing you picture yourself doing while you're standing there holding a perfectly fine copy of documents, smiling, looking concerned and thinking, IS THIS CHICK INSANE!!!!!!! while she tells you it didn't do that before you got here.Comment
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I have seen it too - a customer will get really angry with the machine (and by extension - me) for one little jam... and then we find out they loaded the paper wrongly or something equally stupid..... aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh customers!!!If you are hitting your head up against a wall it always feels better when you stop.Comment
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SMACK EM' WIT DA PAYPAH I SAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!
Did I just go off on a tangent there?
Opps, Sorry!
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Some customers are so dopey they would not even notice a box of paper smacking them around. So maybe a pallet of the stuff would be required.If you are hitting your head up against a wall it always feels better when you stop.Comment
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Back to the Jokey Jokes:
A man has a son that was born with a birth defect. He was born as just a Head. No body, no limbs, just a head.
The kid turned 16 and his dad being so proud took him out to a bar to celebrate.
The dad says to the bartender, "Give the kid anything he wants", so the kid orders a gin and tonic. The kid get's the gin and tonic and drinks it down in one gulp. After drinking the drink, Amazingly, the kid instantly grows a neck. The dad gets excited and praises the lord and says, " the drink must have made his neck grow." Wanting a whole son all these years the father tells the bartender to give his son another. He gives the kid another and once again he downs it in one gulp and instantly, he grows a torso. The father gets even more excited and orders another drink for his son. The kid downs that in one gulp and grows arms. The father shrieks with joy and says, "Finally, I'm going to have a whole son, Bartender, please give him another so he can grow his legs." The bartender gives him another and once again the kid downs it in one gulp and then passes out and dies right there at the bar. The father screams with grief and looks at the bartender and says, Oh My God, what happened to my son?" The bartender looks at him unapethetically and says, "You should have quit while he was a-head."Comment
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I thought it was going to end with the boy being legless..If you are hitting your head up against a wall it always feels better when you stop.Comment
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