Joke of the Day

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  • ZOOTECH
    Senior member of CRS

    Site Contributor
    2,500+ Posts
    • Jul 2007
    • 3375

    #10711
    Re: Joke of the Day

    Sorry, a repeat:

    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
    AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE


    George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
    George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

    George said, "Okay."

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

    Then he phoned the police again.

    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

    Comment

    • izzynut
      Gov.

      5,000+ Posts
      • Aug 2013
      • 5347

      #10712
      Re: Joke of the Day

      image008.jpg

      Comment

      • izzynut
        Gov.

        5,000+ Posts
        • Aug 2013
        • 5347

        #10713
        Re: Joke of the Day

        image009.jpg

        Comment

        • izzynut
          Gov.

          5,000+ Posts
          • Aug 2013
          • 5347

          #10714
          Re: Joke of the Day

          image010.jpg

          Comment

          • izzynut
            Gov.

            5,000+ Posts
            • Aug 2013
            • 5347

            #10715
            Re: Joke of the Day

            There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.

            The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

            I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.



            I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

            I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

            The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.



            Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

            Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

            No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

            Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

            Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

            Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

            Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

            Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

            Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

            I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

            Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

            Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

            Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

            Comment

            • izzynut
              Gov.

              5,000+ Posts
              • Aug 2013
              • 5347

              #10716
              Re: Joke of the Day

              New Panties

              A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an
              attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

              She puts them on, together with a short
              skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
              she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally
              asks,"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

              "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

              "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


              .....He never even heard the gunshot.

              Comment

              • izzynut
                Gov.

                5,000+ Posts
                • Aug 2013
                • 5347

                #10717
                Re: Joke of the Day

                Comment

                • izzynut
                  Gov.

                  5,000+ Posts
                  • Aug 2013
                  • 5347

                  #10718

                  Comment

                  • izzynut
                    Gov.

                    5,000+ Posts
                    • Aug 2013
                    • 5347

                    #10719

                    Comment

                    • izzynut
                      Gov.

                      5,000+ Posts
                      • Aug 2013
                      • 5347

                      #10720

                      Comment

                      • izzynut
                        Gov.

                        5,000+ Posts
                        • Aug 2013
                        • 5347

                        #10721

                        Comment

                        • izzynut
                          Gov.

                          5,000+ Posts
                          • Aug 2013
                          • 5347

                          #10722

                          Comment

                          • izzynut
                            Gov.

                            5,000+ Posts
                            • Aug 2013
                            • 5347

                            #10723

                            Comment

                            • izzynut
                              Gov.

                              5,000+ Posts
                              • Aug 2013
                              • 5347

                              #10724
                              Re: Joke of the Day

                              image011.jpg

                              Comment

                              • izzynut
                                Gov.

                                5,000+ Posts
                                • Aug 2013
                                • 5347

                                #10725

                                Comment

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