hear any good ones?

[fixthecopier]

Times are tough, everyone needs a laugh. Got one?

Two salesmen were walking down the road when they see a dog laying in the grass licking his balls. One of the salesmen said "boy, I wish I could do that", and the other one says "You better not! That son of a bitch might bite you!"

[Jordan]

ANOTHER ONE

TWO CONDOMS ARE WALKING BY A GAY BAR WHEN ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER " HEY, YOU WANNA GO IN AND GET SHITT FACED ?"

[10871087]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honey-
moon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband,
"Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."
*
The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible?
You've been married three times before."
*
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gyne-
cologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second
husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was
talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp
collector and...* Oh, how I miss him!"

[banginbishop]

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

[gordie]

HARVARD READING TEST





This was developed as an age test by an R & D department at HarvardUniversity .



Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!
Please don't be offended (because I'm not saying or suggesting you are in that age bracket)






1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat






Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down,
and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

[nmfaxman]

How many sales people does it take to change a light bulb???








None, they get a Tech to put it in for them.

[Baphomet]

Used to have a dog with no legs. Every morning I'd take him out for a drag.

What to you call a guy with no arms and no legs who is in the swimming pool?
Bob

What to you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What to you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch?
Matt

What to you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a baseball game?
Home plate

[JustManuals]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR 'EDUCATED MINDS'


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an

optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a

weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rac k in t he hallway. One hat said to the other,

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his

grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls

to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[JustManuals]

The Gunfighter..............
A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.
'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much.'

[JustManuals]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.


Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[JustManuals]

How To Hypnotize a Man:

New Page 3

[JustManuals]

4 Golfers

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Policeman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Policeman fumed, 'What's with those guys? We have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese Businessman yelled out 'Get moving, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper, maybe he can do something about this' 'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'

The Policeman said, 'Why the fuck don't they play at night?

[fixthecopier]

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.

"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.

"Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" he replied.

"I'm pregnant!" she said.

He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'"

She said, "Well, we aren't having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"










During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

[rthonpm]

A few from the archives...

The main reason blind people don't skydive is it scares the hell out of the seeing eye dog.

The difference between light and hard is you can sleep with a light on.

[banginbishop]

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.