One Liners

[fixthecopier]

Some one liners I found. Got any to add?




I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

[blackcat4866]

Thanks for a nice morning laugh. :-)
=^..^=

[nmfaxman]

Why do they call it "Common Sense"?
If it were common, everyone would have it.

[charm5496]

that was a good way to start the day!!!

[Hemlock]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

And, from a distance, no one can tell who the idiot is.

[Jules Winfield]

I saw a little old lady getting mugged by three guys and had to get involved. She was a tough old broad, but in the end we got her purse...

[Dark Helmet]

lol FtC

[jonezy999]

Why do they call it "Common Sense"?
If it were common, everyone would have it.

Without a concise set of rules to follow, we would all have to resort to common sense

[JustManuals]

The problem with common sense is that it isn't all that common, you can tell that be reading some of the more inane posts here.

[Brian8506]

I'm only forwarding it so don't anybody get their feathers ruffled.
Politically Incorrect Humor




At a Church gathering trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?
I was told to leave. Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good
product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in our town, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
Twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"









Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche 911 and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 43,972 Muslims have added me as a friend!!




Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said To the lady at the registration desk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"








The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the end of the driveway.

[zed255]

"Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend, inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Groucho Marx

[jonezy999]

Siting it the sun having a beer with my dad on a winters arvo
ME: "It's nice in the sun"
DAD: "It's even better in the daughter"

Dad saw a hot girl walking down the street
"I'd rather be hanging out of that than a 10 story building."

[KenB]

Siting it the sun having a beer with my dad on a winters arvo
ME: "It's nice in the sun"
DAD: "It's even better in the daughter"

Dad saw a hot girl walking down the street
"I'd rather be hanging out of that than a 10 story building."

Sounds like your Dad is quite the interesting guy.

[jonezy999]

Sounds like your Dad is quite the interesting guy.

Yeh, to say the least. Also pretty handy with a screw driver. Not a bad boss either.

[mikadonovan]

I saw a little old lady getting mugged by three guys and had to get involved. She was a tough old broad, but in the end we got her purse...

Damn funny!