Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

First guy says: " I woke up this morning feeling so bad I wanted to kill myself."
Second guy says : " That's terrible. What'd you do?"
First guy says: " I planned to take 1,000 aspirins, but after the first two two, I felt better."

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

There is a swear here, so maybe don't open this at work.
Still, how to embrace progress

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

went in a restaurant that guaranteed to supply any thing you need or you got a free meal.
i won a free meal .i asked for tadpole tits on toast and they had run out of bread.
next i went to a cafe that had all exotic foods i said give me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered"

[slimslob]

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ... Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...!"

It hurt my eyes reading that one.

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Moooooooo....

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

It was a slow crime day in Metropolis and all comicbook land, so Superman flew over to see Batman.
Superman: Hey Batman! Wanna go out for a few beers?
Batman: Can't. I've got to tune up the Batmobile.
Disappointed, Superman checks in with Spiderman.
Superman: Hey Spiderman! Wanna go out for a few beers?
Spiderman: Can't. I've got to mix up some more web fluid.
REALLY disappointed, Superman takes off. He spots Wonder Woman lying naked, face up, on her roof. Superman decides that this time, he's not going to be rejected, so moving at super speed so as not to be seen, swoops down, shtups her, and flies off.
Wonder Woman props herself up on one elbow and says "What the hell was THAT?"
And the Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but all of a sudden, my asshole is killing me.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old man... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....


n

I know I've posted this one at least twice... Lol

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

I know I've posted this one at least twice... Lol

And I laughed both times.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.
I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

mary had a little lamb.
she kept it in a bucket.
every time she let it out
her bulldog tried to chase it

old mother hubard went to the cupboard.
to get for herself a french letter.
when she got there the cupboard was bare.
so she tried it without.
it was better

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

[Copier Addict]

Re: Joke of the Day

old mother hubard went to the cupboard.
to get for herself a french letter.
when she got there the cupboard was bare.
so she tried it without.
it was better

You are gonna have to explain this one to me. Sorry, I'm a bit slow.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

You are gonna have to explain this one to me. Sorry, I'm a bit slow.

As far as I can tell from the first half of that post, it appears to be a dirty limerick/poem that had the final words changed to be clean. I'm not 100% on this though...