Joke of the Day

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

My old desktop background. Can anyone guess my new one?

I refuse to believe that's 1 bottle of leaked toner...I can guestimate about 5-8 to build up a pile that high. Emujo

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

bloke was laying in bed chatting to his wife then he said will you do something for me .yes she said what do you want me to do .

could you let me know next time you have an orgasm.

she said ok but you know how I hate to phone you when your at work

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

I refuse to believe that's 1 bottle of leaked toner...I can guestimate about 5-8 to build up a pile that high. Emujo

Actually, that looks almost exactly like the two times I've seen one of Canon's toner bottles with the orange cap opened incorrectly. The first time I did it to myself at the office. D'oh!

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

I have to steal this one Debs

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

I have to steal this one Debs

How do you think I got it Gene

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

fap fap fap fap fap

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'


'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'


'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'


There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'


So out I came, dripping wet and butt-naked, hoping that my silent, outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.


It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.
And at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leaped at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.


Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor, butt-naked, in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter....... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' they all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

[Akitu]

[Copier Addict]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Sad, sad story. There is nothing worse than a very limp duck.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A wife is packing up and leaving her husband and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"
She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"
The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'

[blsquires]

debs1964

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEBS

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

a man went to the doctor and said i have a very embarrasing problem.
the doctor said i have been a doctor for 30 years and nothing can embarras me,so whats the problem.
he said when i pass wind it goes honda honda .well said the doctor take this recorder home and tape it for me so i can hear it.
a week later the bloke is back with the recording ,the doctor switched it on and sure enough he can hear honda honda.he said to the bloke do you drink anything alcoholic .
yes said the man i am very fond of absynth. ah said the doctor there is your answer,you must have heared that.


absynth makes the fart go honda.