Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
who remarked "What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame he makes that little boy walk."
So they then decided they'd both walk!

So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey?"
The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

You might as well ......
Kiss your ass goodbye!!!!!!

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Man it didn't take you many posts to piss her off. I'm gonna get my binoculars and stand on the Jersey beach and see if I can see the fireworks across the pond.

I think I'm at ground zero, I'm based just the other side of the Thames

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Subject: Never Mix Beer And A Simple Gutter Repair

My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!" So I invited the boys over. One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter the others brought beer. Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer, but we got the downspout fixed. Wife is still speechless... I am certain not for much longer though.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A horny guy went into a whorehouse and says, "I need a blow job, but I only have $5". "Okay", the owner said, "that is not much, but for $5 we can give you a penguin". "What's a penguin?" The man asked. "you'll see", she replied. So he went upstairs. A young woman came and started giving him a blow job. But just as he was about to finish, she stopped and walked away. Frustrated, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming "What's a penguin?"

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

do-not-consume-if-seal-is-broken.jpg

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

Ahhh... I see the f--k-up fairy has visited us again...
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh-t.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
You!... Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder... my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Let's try this again with the picture this time.

My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!
So I invited the boys over. *****
One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter*
the others brought beer.

Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer,
but we got the downspout fixed.

Wife is still speechless... *****
I am certain not for much longer though.

Picture.JPG

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Let's try this again with the picture this time.

My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!
So I invited the boys over. *****
One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter*
the others brought beer.

Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer,
but we got the downspout fixed.

Wife is still speechless... *****
I am certain not for much longer though.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]21893[/ATTACH]

That makes a whole lot more sense, and very funny.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

LOL! Where can I get one of these.

Let's try this again with the picture this time.

My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!
So I invited the boys over. *****
One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter*
the others brought beer.

Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer,
but we got the downspout fixed.

Wife is still speechless... *****
I am certain not for much longer though.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]21893[/ATTACH]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes to a restaurant, he has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"
The waiter says "A penny."
The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"
The waiter says, "A nickel"
The man is astonished, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"
The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."
Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did you hear NASA found bones on the moon? Apparently the cow didn't make it...

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Are you Flirting with me?....

Being a lady prevents me from answering that the way I'd really like to

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

I think I'm at ground zero, I'm based just the other side of the Thames

Yes, you really are close enough to see the fun, I would imagine you're less than 5 miles from me