Re: Joke of the Day
Uh oh..............
Hans
Would you like to tell me why you find that funny 
Hans
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“Sent from my Intel 80286 using MS-DOS 2.0”
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Re: Joke of the Day
My brother has a framed print in his kitchen, "A woman's place is in the home, and she should go there directly after work" My wife says "don't even think of getting a copy of that. EmujoIf you don't see your question answered in the forum, please don't think it's OK to PM me for a personal reply...I do not give out firmware and/or manuals.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Can't come into work today...
Hello boss? I can't come to work today...
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.
My stigmata's acting up.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My step mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the Environmental Protection
Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands
and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.Comment
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"The Serenity Prayer" . . .
God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
So Joe goes to the doctor and says " Doc, I've been getting wicked headaches every day. They're pounding and I can't stand it anymore. Nothing I take works. The doctor examines him and comes back in the room. So the conversation goes like this:
Doctor: Joe, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can cure you but the bad news is I have to cut off your testicles. You have a rare condition that causes your testicles to press against your spine and give you one helluva headache.
Joe: If that's what it's gonna take I guess I have no choice.
So Joe goes in for the operation and when he comes out, he feels great. First time in 20 years he doesn't have a headache. But he feels like there's something missing. He passes by a clothing store and says, "That's what I need, a new suit. So he goes in and is greeted by a salesman:
Salesman: How can I help you?
Joe: I'd like to get a new suit
Salesman looks at him and says, "44 long"
Joe: How'd you know?
Salesman: Been in the business 60 years. How about a shirt to go with that suit?
Joe: Sure why not
Salesman: 36 length, 16 1/2 neck
Joe; That's amazing how did you know.
Salesman: Been in the business 60 years. How about some new underwear too.
Joe: Sure sounds great
Salesman: 36
Joe: Hah! Got you there. I've been 34 since I was 18 yrs old
Salesman: That's impossible. 34 would be too tight and it would press your testicles against your spine and give you one helluva headacheComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
The Plan
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Memo Degredation
Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is
when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is
something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for
employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in
the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing
the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will
be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will
be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two
minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The
CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some
information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for
two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be
seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will
eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will
be safe, and as usual it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear.
It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.Comment
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