Joke of the Day

[Shadow1]

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders 3 beers and a mop.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching,

So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it,

and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,

figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day

and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,

he found the rancher's' widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.



"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.






******

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

That text was unnecessarily large, but on the plus side, if I ever lose 99% of my vision in a freak toner accident, I can take solace knowing I'll still be able to read that one.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sorry. I copied and pasted. Jut takes up a little extra room.

That text was unnecessarily large, but on the plus side, if I ever lose 99% of my vision in a freak toner accident, I can take solace knowing I'll still be able to read that one.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

two statues a boy and a girl had been in the park facing each other for 200 years .one day a fairy spotted them and said you two are obviously in love so i am going to bring you to life but as i am new to this i can only do it for two hours.she waved her magic wand and they both climed down from their plinths held each others hand and ran off into the bushes.after they had been gone for an hour they came back and started climbing back up .the good fairy said you still have another hour left to do what you want.the boy statue said to the girl statue , ok come on, this time i will hold the pidgeon and you can shit on its head.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

When you are over 65 who gives a damn ?

This asshole of a Girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Worthingtons or Bass?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?


***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sorry. I copied and pasted. Jut takes up a little extra room.

With the standard editor, the third button from the left in the top row is a "paste without formatting option". It'll do exactly what it says, paste plain text in a default text size, as opposed to Mr. Magoo size. I use it all the time for some of the bizarrely formatted text that happens when I'm copy pasting as well.

[Akitu]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help.
"Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?"
"Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000."
So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would."
"Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing."
So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too."
"Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Subject: Male Logic


Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman:
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man:

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my husband and I put it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Don't tell me how to do my job, I don't come to your rehab classes and tell you how to finger paint."

Billy Connolly

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's their wedding night and a redneck couple are getting ready to have sex for the first time. As the bride is getting ready in the bathroom she tells her husband Bobby Joe to take it "easy on her, on accounts that she is a virgin and all". "BAM!!" as she hears the door on the trailer slam then watches as Bobby Joe speeds off in the truck..
Bobby Joe is completely distraught and decides to head on over to his pa's house. He bangs on the door and his pa sees that he is upset "What's wrong boy?". Bobby Joe tells his pa, "Me and Mindy Lou was getting ready to have sex when she done told me she was a dang virgin!". Pa breathes a sigh of relief and puts his arm around his son and says "Boy, if she wasn't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours".