Joke of the Day

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

One day while playing golf I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

E

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is a 'groan-er'

Why did Mr Ohm want to marry Mrs Ohm?
Because he couldn't resistor.
But when he kept going down the pub she was solenoid!!!

A man is walking around a supermarket shouting, "Mazola! Mazola!
The manager comes up to him and says: "Excuse me sir, but the Mazola's in aisle five."
"No. I'm not really looking for Mazola" replies the man. "I'm calling my wife."
"Your wife is called Mazola?" asks the manager puzzled.
"It's a sort of nickname" says the man, "but I only call her that in public."
And what do you call her at home?" enquires the manager.
"Lard- Arse" the man replies.

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and runs back to his master.
"So, how many sheep are there?"
"Forty" replies the dog.
"How can there be forty?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know" says the dog, But I rounded them up for you."

What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married?
Can't elope.

A man was alerted to the sound of the Bee Gees coming from his fridge. When he opened the door he found it was just chives talking.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Yesterday, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought "That's a little condescending".

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is a 'groan-er'

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and runs back to his master. "So, how many sheep are there?" "Forty" replies the dog. "How can there be forty?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!" "I know" says the dog, But I rounded them up for you."

GROAN LOL

[Gamut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Talking to an age old copier tech friend the other day I mentioned the aches and pains I've started to feel and told him I'm feeling my 50+ years,
he whole heartedly disagreed saying he felt like a baby, quoting: he's lost all his teeth, gone bald and thought he'd just p*ssed himself.

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

I noticed something the other day, when my wife is driving with me I can get really annoyed when she says "you should go this way", or "traffic is lighter on this street", and so on, but my GPS is a woman's voice doing the exact same thing and I follow her instructions almost all the time...Emujo

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Have you noticed the " AD CHOICES " at the bottom of this page ?

If you click on " Joke Of The Day " the first thing shown on the google search is " HP Printer Support " .
Seriously ? .... ( I was scared to click on the link )

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Have you noticed the " AD CHOICES " at the bottom of this page ?

If you click on " Joke Of The Day " the first thing shown on the google search is " HP Printer Support " .
Seriously ? .... ( I was scared to click on the link )

Didn't you know? That's not an ad, HP Printer Support is the best joke of all time. Fits in perfectly well with this thread.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

I noticed something the other day, when my wife is driving with me I can get really annoyed when she says "you should go this way", or "traffic is lighter on this street", and so on, but my GPS is a woman's voice doing the exact same thing and I follow her instructions almost all the time...Emujo

That woman in the GPS is a b1tch, and has no idea where you want to go, at least in my opinion.

[Shadow]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman awakes to find her husband is not in bed...
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Going to war without the French is like......well, World War 2 actually!

I bought my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She hasn't stopped moaning since.

I bought some condoms the other day and the shop assistant asked me if I would like a bag. I said ,"No she's not that ugly"

If you had to choose between your wife or winning the lottery, what supercar would you buy?

If god didn't intend us to eat meat why did he make animals out of food?

[Herrmann]

Re: Joke of the Day

Maybe this is the illegetimate daughter of angela gossow (Arch Enemy)?

Very fine, little girl, keep the good work up

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer.

He says "Mickey,you can't divorce Minnie for being crazy."

Mickey replied "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was Fucking Goofy!"