Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A husband says to his wife,
"Shall we try a different position tonight"?
The wife replies,
"Sure...you stand by the ironing board, while i sit on the sofa and fart!".

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

A husband says to his wife,
"Shall we try a different position tonight"?
The wife replies,
"Sure...you stand by the ironing board, while i sit on the sofa and fart!".

Funny 'cuz it's true!!

(At least so I've been told....)

[Masterchief]

Re: Joke of the Day

Funny 'cuz it's true!!

(At least so I've been told....)

So are you saying you have never passed wind, with the missus beside you. I love doing it in a packed shopping centre or long queue and blame her. LBH the silent ones are a great laugh when they stink like hell and you dont tell anyone, and their facial expressions tell all.

Needless to say its horrible when your the victim. I was out doing and install and had to use the lift, My old Supervisor told me to go up with the machine so he helped me get the machine into the lift and promptly left.
Its stunk so bad i nearly puked, But my revenge was sweeter.... Lets just say it was an explosive Demonstration on the new installed machine, and the customer was a leading breast augmentation clinic with some very very fit ladies.... Dublin city centre and the joke shop!!! ROFL

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man know as the "Human Cannonball" told the circus owner that he was too old to be shot across the arenas and had decided to retire.
"You can't!" the owner cried. "Where am I going to find a man of your caliber?"
- - - - - - - - - - -
A group of friends on a cross-country road trip took a tour of their favorite brewery. As they marveled at the process, one of them slipped and fell into a huge vat of beer. While his friends waited outside, brewery workers tried to save him.
A half hour later, a supervisor came out and told the guys that their friend had drowned.
"Do you think he suffered much?" one asked.
"I don't think so," the supervisor replied. "Before he drowned, he climbed out three times to go to the bathroom."

[Masterchief]

Its hard in sales

Its hard in sales

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The
store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the
sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

[Masterchief]

Re: Joke of the Day

Job Application

If you've ever sought advice for completing a job application form, you might find inspiration from the following and allegedly true application for employment with McDonalds:

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

HAVE YOU ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50LBS?: Of what

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two barbershops, located across the street from each other, were constantly competing for customers.
One day, a sign went up in the window of one of the shops: "Haircuts now $4.00".
An hour later, the other shop put up a larger sign: "We repair $4 haircuts".

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts,as he kneels down to her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"

She rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,

"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit".

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little Johnny's Dad walks into the local chemist(drug store) and mumbles to the girl at the counter "do you have anything to fix a score throat ?" The girl at the counter explains, "if you ask the chemist out the back I'm sure he can arrange something for you".

And hour later little Johnny's Mum walks into the chemist the same, barely able to speak, and ask the girl at the counter do you have anything to fix a sore throat ? Again she explains "if you ask the chemist out the back I'm sure he can arrange somthing for you.

While mum is out the back little Johnny see's an opportunity to sneek some lollies from under the counter.Just as Johnny leans around to grab a packet of lollies, the big police sargent spots what Johnny is up to an kicks him square up the clacker. The force of the kick lands little Johnny fare out the back with the chemist. As little Johnny gets to his feet he starts mumbling his words and trying to talk. The chemist looks down at him and say's "whats wrong son, have you got frog-in-the-throat too?",
"N n n n nah" said Johnny "I I I, think I got toad in the hole..."

[doug94550]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two barbershops, located across the street from each other, were constantly competing for customers.
One day, a sign went up in the window of one of the shops: "Haircuts now $4.00".
An hour later, the other shop put up a larger sign: "We repair $4 haircuts".

I saw a TV commercial that was just like this joke.

[Herrmann]

Professional Tools can save your Day

Enjoy

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

How to tell the sex of the common housefly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting Flies' he responded.
'Oh. Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'


And that's when he got in trouble...

[kyrenecopy]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man comes too and finds himself lying on the bathroom floor with a paramedic standing over him. The paramedic asks him if he knows what happened.

The man replies: "I was standing here shaving and my wife walked in. She looked in the mirror and said that her hair was falling out, her boobs were sagging, she was getting fat and her ass was drooping".

She looked at me and said; "isn't there one good thing you can say to me to cheer me up?"

I told her that her eyesight was perfect and that is the last thing I remember.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Real water bed - YouTube