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Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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Re: Joke of the Day
A lady walks into a bar and hears a man playing the piano in the corner. She liked the piano playing, so she decides to walk over and compliment him. "Your a really good piano player" she says "Actually" the man says, "There is a 12 inch tall man that sits inside my piano and plays on the chords." "Are you sure?" Says the lady. "Yes, go ahead and lift up the piano lid and you'll see him," said the man.
So she lifts up the piano lid and sure enough, there was a 12 inch tall man sitting in there playing on the chords and he waved at her.
The lady then said, "Where did you find this guy?" The man replied, "Do you see that genie bottle over there? Just go rub on it and the genie will grant you one wish."
So the lady went over to the bottle and rubbed it. Sure enough, out pops the genie and tells her that he will grant her one wish only.
The lady then says, "Well, I've always wanted to be rich, so I wish for a million bucks."
All of a sudden a million ducks appeared everywhere, on the piano, chairs, tables and even out on the streets. The woman got upset and went over to the man playing the piano and said, "I wished for a million bucks and not a million ducks".
The man replied, "I knew that, did you think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Keep these jokes coming Akitu, they're great ;even my wife laughs at these!"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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Re: Joke of the Day
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me! " or "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless."Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I probably could have answered, but it was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on! "
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father the morning after a bean supper. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the house, and sat out the rest of the night in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's illness. We discovered that Louise had suffered a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her.73 DE W5SSJComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings ofbaked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
My missus dragged me to see Twilight last night, but it was ruined by some annoying girl talking the whole way through it.
Kristen Stewart I think her name was..
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I met the fella who invented the crossword the other day,can't remember his name,it was P something T something R.
Beware of Alphabet Grenades...if you throw them,it could spell disaster.
This bloke said to me,"I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought,"That's a turn-up for the books."
Noticing a fat couple kissing, my girlfriend said, "Have you ever been out with a fat girl before?"
"No, you're the first," wasn't the best response.
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Re: Joke of the Day
What do you get if you cross a Hippopotamus with a lesbian?
A Lickalotapuss
....best I could do at short notice.....Comment
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