Joke of the Day

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Somebody might have posted this, but still funny.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County , a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby "No, don't be in a hurry

to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.





The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .. . . . . . .
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could Instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

The true origins of the word Kung-fu.

An Aboriginal medicine man was out one day teaching the youth how to throw a boomerang.
There where ten or so young men all standing in a line taking turns to throw their boomerangs.
Each time a boomerang was thrown the medicine man would explain to the class what they needed to do to improve their technique. King Billies great great grand dad was getting real tired of waiting in line for his turn to throw the boomerang, so while the medicine man wasn't looking he stepped up to the line and threw his boomerang.

Well!!! GGKB's boomerang sailed like the wind, it went out over the lake; over the trees; an around again to where GGKB was standing and smacked the medicine man fair in the back of the head flattening him to the ground. As the medicine man got up off the ground he turned around to the class and said " WHAT KUNG FU THAT ?..."

And to this day the word Kung-fu is in the english dictionary...

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

There are jokes that are so funny I can laugh for hours, there are so jokes that are so bad I can still laugh for a min or two, but for this one I guess you have to be from Australia..

BTW, did you hear about Disney firing Snow White?? She got caught jumping on Pinocchio's nose and yelling "Lie to me, Lie to me!!" (and I think this is one of those "bad jokes").EMujo

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

---

[Herrmann]

If you are bored, just add a little Action

enjoy

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson. At every turn. it's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy".

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "it's OK Albert, just
a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there".

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax
buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
Albert.".

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and
the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my
business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK.
Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa".

"Thanks, lady", said gramps, "but I'm Albert -- the little brat's
name is Johnny".

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

There are jokes that are so funny I can laugh for hours, there are so jokes that are so bad I can still laugh for a min or two, but for this one I guess you have to be from Australia..

BTW, did you hear about Disney firing Snow White?? She got caught jumping on Pinocchio's nose and yelling "Lie to me, Lie to me!!" (and I think this is one of those "bad jokes").EMujo

OK, I give up, why does it help if your from Downunder to understand this joke? That sort of humour seems to be universal to me.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

I guess Shadow1, being a M'ssipi boy liked this for obvious reasons. Can't say I blame him, as I did the same!

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?"Child: "Moo!"Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"Child: "Meow."Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

didn't understand this joke until co-worker enlightened me....see videohttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVcbasIb8lQ

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."
"Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag."

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Bud was hunting geese up in a Louisiana rice field. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Bud took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Lafayette hospital bed, he comes to.... and there is his doctor, Boudreaux...

"Well Bud, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Bud...

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Louisa ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Bud. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Dr. Boudreaux says. "She's a flute player in the Lafayette Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Well ..... not necessarily a joke .... merely an explanation of a simple term :

CANNON BALLS !!! DID YOU KNOW THIS ? I DIDN'T

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?