Joke of the Day

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'

To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan

And didn't I marry ye and yer

Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ok, whats the last thing that goes through a Grasshoppers mind when it hits the wind-sheild of your car ?

It's @ss....


Ok, Ok I know...
I'm starting to run out of mild content jokes.

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Wish I was a pigeon...

ObamaStatue.jpg

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

How many salespeople does it take to change a light bulb??





None, they get a tech to do it for them.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A bit long winded this time, my apologies. The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a man.

The questions are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

She....Would you get married again?
He.....Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.

[atwageman]

Re: Joke of the Day

A pirate with a steering wheel around his neck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks the pirate why is there a steering wheel around the your neck. The pirate responds by saying.....aaarg, it's driving me nuts.

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

This old cowboy has been out riding the range for a few days, and he notices his horse is beginning to develop a saddle sore. He decides to fix the problem before it gets worse and starts to look for a house to ask for some assistance..Off in the distance he sees an old farm house and rides towards it..

Now in this house is a farmer, his lovely wife and their beautiful 18 year old daughter...They have just finished dinner after the seasonal harvest and the kitchen is loaded with dishes..The farmer stands up from the table and says "well you girls are gonna have to clean up this mess, as I did all the harvesting and I think I've worked enough for today..The wife says "well I cooked up this fine meal and after slaving over the stove all day I think I've had enough"..The daughter says "well your not gonna stick me with this entire mess"...so the 3 of them argue back and forth for a little while. Finally the farmer says "OK Iv'e got and idea...All 3 of us will lay down in our big bed, and the 1st of us to move, or make a sound has to do the dishes" All 3 agree to this and they all go back to the bedroom, and get into the bed.

About this time the old cowboy rides up to the front door and knocks...No answer..he knocks again with no answer, but this time the door open just enough that he can see the hugh dinner sitting on the dining room table...He peeks his head in and says "hello. anyone home", but of course, no answer..The aroma of dinner overtakes him and he walks over to the table...He thinks " man this is a lot of food, I'm sure these folks won't mind if I help my self"..So he eats his fill, gets up and walks toward the bathroom to relieve himself

On the way, he passes the open door to the bedroom and see the 3 folks laying there in bed..He says " geeze, I'm sure sorry, I knocked, but no one answered and I saw all this food and couldn't resist..I sure hope you guys don't mind"...No one moves or makes a sound...

He steps into the bedroom and says "are you folks OK? No one moves or makes a sound. He looks at the wife and notices how good looking she is and gets a little horney...He says to the farmer.."I've been out on the range for some time...mind if I make love to your wife?" No one moves or makes a sound. So he hops on has is way with her. He sees the daughter and thinks "Maybe a 2nd round". So he ask the farmer.."Mind if I make love to your daughter? And still no one moves or makes a sound. So he hops on and has his way with the daughter..After this he get dressed and starts to leave but remembers his horse out front with the saddle sore, so he looks over at the farmer and says "by the way, do you have any vasoline??

The farmer jumps out of bed and yells "FUCK IT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMMNED DISHES!!!!

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A senior married couple where sitting at the kitchen table one day and reminising about their younger days.
"Oh dear" said the old lady to the old man.
"Do you realise we have been married 50 years."
"I know" said the old man.
"You remember back 50 years we use to sit naked at the table" said the old lady.
"Yes" said the old man.
How about we get naked ,what do you say?
"Ok" said the old man.

So the old couple strip down naked and where both sitting at the kitchen table when the old lady said to the old man.
"You know dear, my nipples are still as hot for you as they where 50 years ago."

The old man said. "That because one is sitting in your coffee and the other is sitting in your porridge."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: Favourite Restaurant ::

Customer : "Waiter --what the Helllll is thisss ?"
Waiter : "It's bean salad sir."
Customer : "I don't care what its been, what the hell is it now."

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Definition of buffet:

Big
Ugly
Fat
Folks
Eating
Together

My pastor told my this one tonight...

Yes, he's Baptist.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: Acronym's and Metaphor's ::
( Off topic )

Definition of buffet:

Big
Ugly
Fat
Folks
Eating
Together

Brings to mind the old mathematics trigonometry metaphor from days gone by.

In Australia we normally use A,B,C to represent the 3 sides of a triangle when using trigonometry. But most of the calculators used today have E,D,F for the trig Sin,Cos,Tan.
So I found myself having to use the following metaphor to represent the E,D,F trig equations.

(S)ome (E)ormous (F)at { S = E/F }
(C)itizens (D)ie (F)rom { C = D/F }
(T)heir (E)ating (D)istorder { T = E/D }

Sounds a bit extreme at first but once you hear it, then it is committed to long term memory.

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: Acronym's and Metaphor's ::
( Off topic )



Brings to mind the old mathematics trigonometry metaphor from days gone by.

In Australia we normally use A,B,C to represent the 3 sides of a triangle when using trigonometry. But most of the calculators used today have E,D,F for the trig Sin,Cos,Tan.
So I found myself having to use the following metaphor to represent the E,D,F trig equations.

(S)ome (E)ormous (F)at { S = E/F }
(C)itizens (D)ie (F)rom { C = D/F }
(T)heir (E)ating (D)istorder { T = E/D }

Sounds a bit extreme at first but once you hear it, then it is committed to long term memory.

Hmmm... Nerd humor... I don't get it.

Please don't explain it to me.

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'