Joke of the Day

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two lifelong Irish friends were sitting around one if their deathbeds not long ago (my apologies to the Irish here on the list, but as I'm a mutt, I take the liberty of poking fun at all parts of my lineage) and one says to the other, "O'Malley! Ye've me friend since we wuz both wee lads. Knee high to a grasshopper we was, and as I'll be drawin' me last breath 'fore we see the sun agin I'll be askin' one last favor of ye. Tucked in the back of me sock drawer is a bottle of the finest scotch whiskey in all the land... corked and sealed the day I was hatched, me pappy said. I've admired it many a day what was long in the field, but short in the pub, and yet never have I touched a drop. Would ye do me the kindness of takin' and pourin' it over me grave after they've shoveled me in so that it might soak into me bones for all eternity?"

After thinking a few moments his friend replied, "Ahhh... Murphey. 'Tis true we've made the rounds since 'fore we could walk, and we've crawled together many a'time after walkin' in. That's a fine Irish sentiment, and I'll be happy to do as ye ask of me... But 'tis a precious bottle to have been admired so long... Do ye mind if I recycle it through me kidneys first?"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Paddy O'Malley was the richest gentleman in all of Ireland.
He had wealth behond measure,but his children would dishonour him an continually argue over his great wealth.

T'was on his last breath he said to his wife of many years -- "I will stop me children from fighthing over me wealth when I'm gone. Would you do me the honour me-dear and place all of me money in me coffin and bury it with me, every last penny."

To this his wife agreed, and true as I tell ye me folks she kept solem to her word. For the day that Paddy died and was about to be buried she wrote out a cheque for every last penny and placed it in his coffin....

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.





The next day, at the courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.







The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.





In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying; "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said; "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said; "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said; "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

I sat down recently for a nice dinner with the wife in a fancy restaurant, and observed all the waiters dressed up as you would expect, but there was also something unusual about them. Each one had a spoon in his shirt pocket and a length of string hanging out of his zipper.

I asked one of them about it, and he said, "Well, we had an efficiency expert come through about a week ago, and he determined that our number one time waster was having to make a special trip back to the kitchen every time a customer dropped their spoon, so now we all have to carry one around in our shirt pocket."

"That sort of makes sense... What about the string?"

"Our second biggest time waster was washing up in the bathroom after taking a leak, so if you tie a string around your pecker you can pull it out to use the bathroom and not contaminate your hands."

After thinking for a moment I said, "Okay, so you can pull it out with the string, but how do you get it back in?"

"I don't know about everybody else, but I always use the spoon."

[kyrenecopy]

Re: Joke of the Day

I sad down recently for a nice dinner with the wife in a fancy restaurant, and observed all the waiters dressed up as you would expect, but there was also something unusual about them. Each one had a spoon in his shirt pocket and a length of string hanging out of his zipper.

I asked one of them about it, and he said, "Well, we had an efficiency expert come through about a week ago, and he determined that our number one time waster was having to make a special trip back to the kitchen every time a customer dropped their spoon, so now we all have to carry one around in our shirt pocket."

"That sort of makes sense... What about the string?"

"Our second biggest time waster was washing up in the bathroom after taking a leak, so if you tie a string around your pecker you can pull it out to use the bathroom and not contaminate your hands."

After thinking for a moment I said, "Okay, so you can pull it out with the string, but how do you get it back in?"

"I don't know about everybody else, but I always use the spoon."

This has got to be one of the funniest jokes I have heard in years, thank you!

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

This has got to be one of the funniest jokes I have heard in years, thank you!

Ahhh... I see you've had experience with efficiency experts.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Once again the
little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Laughing, Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for
me'.

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Stan, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Stan and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Stan snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Stan shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Stan into bed, patted him on the ass,and kissed him good night on the lips. Stan sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch." The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "May I help you with this painting? 'he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" " Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting.

The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.
"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[Akitu]

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day


"What were you thinking?" his wife replied. "The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, I've already put on my sweatpants and I don't feel like cooking a nice meal."
"I know all that," her husband replied.


"Then why did you invite him for supper?" she asked.


"Because the poor fool is thinking of getting married!"

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

It does not matter if you are a seasoned tech or a newbie ........


Proper Tool Usage

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing the exposed end of wood splinters leaving the rest to be dug out or fester for two weeks.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise and alternately used for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

CHISEL: A diabolic tool used to dupe your hand into the path of a smashing hammer.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.