Joke of the Day

[banginbishop]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on.

"Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said.

"But Dad, I'm 18," he protested.

"I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

[banginbishop]

Re: Joke of the Day

The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.

If you ask me he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving him a mobility scooter.

[banginbishop]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."

I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.

She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"

I said, "Pack your bags and fuck off."

[banginbishop]

Re: Joke of the Day

Argentina lays claim to the Vatican City on the grounds "there is a temporary Argentine population".

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

I always like to educate others when possible.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man accidently runs over a rabbit in his car. He gets out to see if it is ok, but the rabbit is dead. However his wife has an idea.

She gets a spray can out of her handbag and begins spraying the rabbit. The rabbit suddenly jumps up, waves it's paw at them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves at them again. It keeps doing this till out of sight.

Looking astonished at each other, the husband says to his wife:
"What the hell is in that can?

His wife reads from the can's label, "Hair spray - Restores life. Adds permanent wave."

I phoned up to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. The automated voice said: "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

Man: "I don't understand how my wife is pregnant - we haven't had sex for over a year."
Doctor: "It's what we call a grudge pregnancy - somebody's obviously had it in for you."

My friend and his wife like to dress up as Apollo Creed and Adrian Balboa. They're going through a rocky patch.

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Rap.jpg

[Akitu]

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest (date unknown):

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?",
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other
goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in
ten did.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest (date unknown):

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?",
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other
goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in
ten did.

GROAN !!!

Thanks Zoo ... we needed these ...............

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for squirrel"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three boys were walking along a lake when they heard someone struggling in the water. At a closer look, they found President Clinton, who had slipped away from his secret service, going down for his last breath.
The boys looked at each other and decided that the right thing to do was to jump in and save him. They jumped in and brought him to shore. When he regained his composure, he thanked the boys and offered them anything they wanted.
The first boy thought about what it was that he would ask of the president and finally decided that he would like a presidential appointment to West Point. The second boy agreed that a presidential appointment would be nice but he wanted to go to Annapolis. The third boy thought and thought and thought, and finally he arrived at his decision. "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery" The president was taken aback and asked the boy why he would ask for such an unusual reward at his young age.
The boy replied "When my father finds out I saved your life, he is going to kill me!"

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

Just so you know.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."