Joke of the Day

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in a box!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

cereal.jpgkids.jpg

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's
that, Miss?"
Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."
Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I thought this article was hilarious. Keep in mind it is a satire comedy site, so take it with a grain of salt.

4 Insane Solutions to America's Biggest Problems | Cracked.com

Not quite a joke, but funny none the less.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sorry, if this is a repeat.

SLIDING DOWN THE BANISTER OF LIFE


As You Slide Down the Banister of Life--- Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies, tried it once: The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes, now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ... and those that mind ...don't matter!

And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?"

"Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?"

"Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

I sense a dirty limerick thread coming on.

There once was a man from Nantucket...

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

By all means, fire away:

There once was a woman from Bombay,
She carved a pussy out of clay.
The heat from his dick,
Turned it into brick,
And ripped all his foreskin away.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

And another one before going to bed:

There was a young lady from France
Supposed to play at a dance,
She ate a banana
And played the piano
And music came out of her pants.

Have a good night!

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

She stood on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing snowballs at the Moon,
She said she had never had it,
But she spoke to Soon...!

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
500,000 volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon!

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

There once was a young man named Lanny
The size of whose prick was uncanny.
His wife, the poor dear,
Took it into her ear,
And it came out the hole in her fanny.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two city slickers was trekkin through the desert on horseback when they stopped for a break. As one was having a piddle behind a rock, a rattlesnake shot out from nowhere and promptly bit him right on the tip of his member.
Reeling from the shock and pain, he called his buddy. His buddy told him to just lie still and he would race back to the town they just passed, locate a doctor and find out what to do.
In a flash the buddy was off and very quickly he found a doctor. After hearing the predicament, the doctor instructed...
"You must work quickly, time is of the essence if your friend is to live. You must take a sharp knife, make a very small incision at the bite area and suck the poison out. Place your mouth over the wound and gently suck, then spit, suck, then spit. Do this for at least 15 minutes. Now hurry back."
The buddy rode back to his friend, who by this time was barely conscious. He asked weakly "Well, what did the doctor say?"
His buddy replied... "The doctor said you're going to die."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.

For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawl means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide Facts:

1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"
3. may cause severe burns
4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice.

DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
- as an industrial solvent and coolant
- in nuclear power plants
- in the production of styrofoam
- as a fire retardant
- in many forms of cruel animal research
- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical
- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production and distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE! Act NOW to prevent further contamination!