Joke of the Day

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

Come on jonsey999, give us Yanks a hint.

OK, here's the hint

"GOD HATES FAGS" or "THANK GOD FOR DEAD SOLDIERS"

They also believe those poor kids and teachers that were killed is God's way of punishing us for the way mankind lead their lives.

Westboro Baptist Church Says It Will Picket Vigil For Connecticut School Shooting Victims


So the joke is these idiots and all they believe in.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

OK, here's the hint

"GOD HATES FAGS" or "THANK GOD FOR DEAD SOLDIERS"

They also believe those poor kids and teachers that were killed is God's way of punishing us for the way mankind lead their lives.

Westboro Baptist Church Says It Will Picket Vigil For Connecticut School Shooting Victims


So the joke is these idiots and all they believe in.

Sorry, I didn't make the connection at first - there are some pretty f'd up, so called, religious folk that don't live up to what they say they believe in.
We should all live and let live!!!

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

So the joke is these idiots and all they believe in.

Not funny, however if somebody else wants to go postal and go on a shooting rampage, this "church" is not hard to find...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

On a lighter note...

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid," said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 832-4821?"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass.
It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks nothing but water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

11. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

12. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

13. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

15. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE?

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

(random snip.... abit like a vasectomy )


arsent assbent absent minded...

Can you send the RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE again....... .................

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

On a lighter note...

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid," said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 832-4821?"

Yet another good reason for gun control.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Yet another good reason for gun control.

While I agree with the statement... Really? I'm trying to post jokes here to make people laugh. I don't think this is an appropriate time or place for this. There's already about a half dozen other threads mentioning it on here, and I'm sure everyone's social media centres are clogged with it as well. The two are undoubtedly completely unrelated, and it's drawing needless attention to something already saturated.

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

While I agree with the statement... Really? I'm trying to post jokes here to make people laugh. I don't think this is an appropriate time or place for this. There's already about a half dozen other threads mentioning it on here, and I'm sure everyone's social media centres are clogged with it as well. The two are undoubtedly completely unrelated, and it's drawing needless attention to something already saturated.

I do agree with you Akitu, but if you keep chipping away at it at every opportunity you will eventually change peoples mindset. Think of it like advertising, get the brand name mentioned at every chance you can and it will sooner or later end up as part of peoples every day lives ie Coke and McDonalds.

Anyway, back to the stocktake as the end of the world happens in two days and I must get the books to balance.

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

santa was very busy ,it was christmas eve and he was running late packing up all the toys .there was a knock on the door so he left everything and went to the door .it was the good fairy and she said ,santa i have a lovely lovley present for you ,grumpy santa said what is it ,the good fairy said its a lovely lovely christmas tree .santa said you can shove it up your bottom . thats why a lot of christmas trees have a fairy at the top

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

[snip}

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

A quick thinking wife would yell back to her husband." throw my handbag in here quick I have panadole (headache tables) in there....

The husband would have got a shock then....

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool
table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he
stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy
and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Hillbilly Striptease

Cletus was passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he saw Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of
an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performed a slow pirouette, then gently slid off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunched his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, let his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he ripped it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tore the T-shirt from
his body, and hurled his baseball cap on a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushed in and asked, "What in the world are ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," said an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "Me and the wife been havin' trouble lately in the
bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Now don't make me come 'splain this to y'all now! Jest read the last line
agin, slowly...very slowly!!)

[Ben Around]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool
table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he
stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy
and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Bwwaa Haa Haa...