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Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil? -
Re: Joke of the Day
TRUE STORY:
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
ok so its a bit rude but what the heck
man goes into the optomotrist and puts a shoe box on the counter and says look in here.
the optomotrist looks in the box and there was a huge turd the size of the box.the optomotrist said who the heck did this .
me said the man ,thats why i am here.
im sorry said the optomotrist but i dont deal with that sort of thing you need a hospital.
the man said all i want is something to stop my eyes watering.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.
In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said "I wonder why they never came down to eat."
The groom's young brother said "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh shut up I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.
At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.
At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.
The young lad once again said "Mommy I think..."
"Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."Last edited by Akitu; 01-04-2013, 08:02 PM.Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Akitu
Mother said , I don't want to HEAT what you think. ??
Where is the spelling nazi. MY MY.
LOL, Sorry, could not help myself.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
You can't trust atoms
They make up everything...
"Anal bleaching"
Because some arseholes need to lighten up...
Movies are so fake these days.
I just sat and watched a film where a guy uses a laptop to access an alien space ship and not once did it ask him to perform windows updates!!!
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy sodding Asda (Wal-Mart) Value toilet roll....Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
What do you call kids born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts!Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.Dear Jesus,Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy
Dear Jesus,Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Leroy
Dear Jesus,Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy
Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who.
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I don't get girls.
I don't understand them either.
My new years resolution for 2008 is to buy a new calender!!!
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Do you know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We haven't done a gig yet.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7...
I was at work in my sports shop today when a bloke approached the counter with a tennis racket.
"Excuse me, I like this racket and would like to buy it, but I was wondering if you could add some more tension?" he asked.
"No problem" I replied. "I'm pretty sure I shagged your wife a few years ago, and your son looks an awful lot like me."Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived....blah blah blah..."
In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..."
Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."
The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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Re: Joke of the Day
WARNING SIGNS:
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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